"EMPATHY"I CANT SLEEP SO THOUGHT DUMPING MY BRAIN MAY HELP!

EMPATHY...

Sorry I havnt slept and its keeping me awake.

This may not make sense.

Or it may make a lot?

NONE OF THIS IS MEANT TO SOUND LIKE HIPPY MENTALISM!

I just Cant stop thinking about the riots.

Comments posted by good friends of mine.

My tummy feels twisted and confused.

Empathy.

Understanding.

We need this now more than ever.

Unless you wanna see more rioting?

To me this is due to a lack of connection.

Disasosiation.

Its really dangerous when you lose that human connection.

Ive seen posts saying”sub human scum”

The second you declare someone” sub human”.

Its all over.

That’s how the Nazis did what they did.

Portrayed the jews as sub human.

That’s how they convinced so many to stand and watch with out remorse.

Once you de-humanise someone.

Anything is possible.

No guilt.

No empathy.

No emotion.

Its how we train young kids now to go and fight in wars.

By portraying the people they are killing as “things”

Make them out to be monsters.

Less than men,

Shutting off that thing that connects us.

It’s the only way they can survive and keep sane over there.

These rioting kids now have lost that connection with society.

with us.

Since the collapse in 2001 of the twin towers these “youfs” many of whom were 7ish at the time.

Have grown up with more and more contradicting information coming in that ever,.

More transparency to the lies we get fed.

We are a different generation.

Still Stuck in our ways.

As our parents must have seemed to us.

Still semi indoctrinated that what we are told is true.

These guys are the internet generation.

Think of  whats happened the last 10 years.

As their minds grew.

As they were learning what’s right and wrong.

At a critical stage in their lives that their view on the world is being formed and shaped.

They’ve seen more and more shite be exposed than ever before.

We all used to believe that WE are the good guys.

They’ve had constant stream of lies and seeds of doubt.

Our leaders and governments going to war over oil.

Missing weapons of mass destruction.

Banks fucking people.

Murdoch and the media feeding a constant stream of propaganda.

Documentarys pointing out what a raw deal most people are getting.

Wikileaks showing what our so called heroes are doing I foreign countrys.

The media has crumbled.

Not one person controls what the majority sees any more

And the minoritys have realized they are infact the majority.

Everyone around them lies and fucks people.

EVERYONE!

Nothing seems true?

So what are morals???

Don’t get me wrong it was going on when we grew up to.

BUT WE JUST COULDN’T SEE IT!

But the internet has laid it bare.

And  now they are getting pissed and confused.

Plus they can now physically see on websites how strong in numbers they are.

And sooner or later they are gonna say

 “fuck it there are more of us than the wealthy”

 “our army is stronger”

“We are taking what we need”

“They can’t lock us all up?”

chaos.

Unless we use the internet wisely?

It seems a safe way to start this connection and promote it from a far.

A lack of connection allows you to do anything guilt free.

Like Psychopaths.

Huge Co operations are a good example in my eyes.

Co oporations to me are not like individuals or human beings.

So i feel no guilt taking what I want from them by what ever means necessary.

(as I’m sure they don’t see me as an individual but instead as a commodity)

But if I were stealing from a lonely man in his shop yes I do.

My step dad used to throw the cat out by the scruff off its neck and kick it and I would get sad and hold it coz I felt a connected to it.

He didn’t.

that’s not coz he’s bad.

That connection was just missing.

Probably because his dad did the same to their cat.

I only lived with him a short time.

(dad not cat)

Ive spent lots of  time with different families and never felt particularly loyal or close to mine growing up so never got indoctrinated to any particular one.

But saw the differences in each and picked and chose what suited me best.

These kids today simply don’t feel that loyalty or closeness to society AT ALL!

The one we and older generations grew up feeling.

Getting the Sunday papers.

Seeing whats going on in OUR world.

“Ahhh The great British press…good old trustworthy blighty”

WELL THESE KIDS DONT TRUST A WORD OF THAT!

Its fuck all to them.

Just a  load of liars.

Its every where we look people being exposed making mistakes lying…being human.

(I doubt these kids avidly sit and watch news night)

But Its all going in their little brains subconsciously.

Just Like the subtle advertising that makes YOU all look the way you do.

And feel bad because you don’t own the right shoes or fucking Casio watch.

We see these young kids on the news saying stupid stuff and sounding like horrific dicks.

But that’s coz they don’t have the education or intelligence to communicate what they feel in words.

But I can feel their anger,

They just don’t have the Intelligence or mental capacity to vocalize it.

So they just sound stupid and smash stuff and swear instead.

Coz that’s what people do in communities where they live.

IM NOT SAYING ALL OF THEM!

But I saw woman with 5 kids in hackney and a car drove past and she screamed

”il fucking kill you you clumsy cunt driving that fucking close to me!”

So that’s 5 kids fucked right there!!!!

No doubt  next time someone does something her kids don’t like they will react the same.

They see that anger is the way to let people know how you feel.

And if their friends are easily influenced so will they.

And so on.

And so on.

thats how it works.

A brain learning to adapt to its envioronment to survive.

Capitalism teaches us to be the same but in a more civilized way.

To pleasantly fuck each other on a daily basis.

e.g

If i'm selling shoes kettles or what ever and mine arent the best

And you ask me if they are?

I say”why yes of course!”

I don’t WANT to lie to you.

But if I tell you that down the rd they are cheaper and better,

I go out of business!!

Simple.

So you are subconsciously being forced  to fuck people.

But”hey that’s life!”

I hate that.

In the words of paul calf”BAG O SHITE”!

RIGHT IM SERIOUSLY TIRED NOW AND IM OFF TO HUNT UNDER ROCKS FOR WOOD LOUSE.

SERIOUSLY.

Sorry about that rant,.

I’ve just been sat awake and felt this necessary.

Hope I havnt annoyed or upset anyone.

i love you.

Good Night/morning!

xxx

"sorry this was meant to just be a status update,it just got to long"

i suppose this is mainly one for the babes out there!

any ways.

I had one of those weird moments on the tube the other day.
you know where it feels like you've taken acid.
but you havnt.
you know when you seem to see things how they are all of a sudden and it hits you in your tummy and makes you go..."woah" in your brain.

im not saying what im about to in a bitter way like those ladies on loose women.
im just saying this in a totally perplexed way.

i was sat on the tube looking at a frail model on an advert.
then looked around me at the packed tube and saw how completely different everyone looked and thought" hang on"?
models are the tiny minority?
these weak individuals.

if it came to fight like the planet was starving we would BATTER them!!!
(not that they would be putting up a fight for the food)
(would be the ultimate act of selfishness to take the last remaining grain of rice...then puke it back up)
but instead we pay them millions!!
Then put them on pictures every where and worship them and feel bad about our selves?

we could very easily all turn round and go FREAKS!!!..and make them feel terrible.
because there are more of us?

we could literally all stand up and go "YOU ARE FUCKING HIDEOUS."...and if we all did it...what could they do?
nothing.
you cant really argue can you?

its like if a really pleasant alien was observing us and landed and sat and observed the situation totally objectively and sanely
(a sort of slimy green psychiatrist)
and asked...
"why do you feel so bad"?
its coz i dont feel i look right.
"why"?
because i dont look like her.
"so"?
well that's how your supposed to look.
"But no one does...ive been looking at your planet for ages and there only a few"?


he'd think we were off our tits!!!!
and we are arnt we?
we are doing this to our selves.

what the heck happened?

he'd probably say ...
"oh so are they very gifted then...im assuming that they must be super intelligent"???

NOPE SORRY WRONG AGAIN!!!

their input to the world generally consists of nothing but making people feel bad.

its not their fault tho.
what do you expect?
we live in a world where you have to make money to survive...

"oi you"
me?
"yeah do you want 500 grand to stand with your hands on your hips and make your lips go a bit bigger'?
nah not for me thanks!

they are just trying to make a living.
fair play to them.

its ours.
we do it to ourselves.

isnt this weird to anyone???

or is it just me?
THEY are the odd ones out?


you here about these people getting a raw deal in ethnic minoritys.
well there are less models than any ethnic minority?

we could all become "modelists" and bully the shit out of them!!

originally we must have chosen beauty as survival of the fittest .
an evolutionary thing.
the big strong man etc.
but the media that we created has become really warped.
weve twisted it into a hideous beast.
one that uses ill people?
ILL PEOPLE!!!

HAHA how mad is that??????

im actually laughing now thinking about it.
how it must look.

when i was sat there the other day and had my acid moment it was like that bit in" the devils advocate" when the 2 sexy women go shopping with keanu reeves wife and they smile then their faces go all scary.

IM NOT ON A HIGH HORSE HERE!!!!

PLEASE DON'T THINK THAT!

i know i'm not saying anything revolutionary.
its just making me laugh the power of the media.
if you can make someone feel bad because they dont look like minority of ill people .
somethings gone weird.

anyways.

Im off to buy vogue.
apparently cheryls got a new gucci bracelet.
Im hoping to get one.


mwah x

p.s if it doesnt look right on me.
i'm going to hang my self. x

""THIS CONTAINS THE STUPIDEST THING IVE EVER DONE" but has some fair points and Q's that need A's.

right ive gone into exhile for a few days.
life was getting to much.
so ive shut down.
its nice.
i feel relaxed.
im at amanvirs.
alone.
nice!

i've not NOT been near someone for over a month.
apart from when i pop to the bog.
and even then a tramp walked in mcdonalds.
coz i couldnt figure the lock out.
i hate that.
espescially on trains!
when its that futuristic buck rogers style door,
that take about a day to open.
and then a day to close.
and its not a simple lock either.
its like an air lock or something with a light?
just give me that bolt thing.
so annoying.
sat there kegs rounds your ankles..
waiting for it to open fully.
and then to close again!
staring everyone good bye as your bright red face finally dissapears,
whilst trying to conceal your goulies with dignity!

bloody futuritstic stuff i hate it.
but wait let me shock you now because....
I ALSO LOVE IT!!!!!!
TECHNOLOGY!!
I DON'T OWN ANY.
BUT I'M OBSESSED WITH IT.
i'm actually watching a doc now on how in the future
a guy just said.
"someone alive today now,will live for ever"

and computers will be as small as cells in our blood we will inject.
and we will communicate through our thoughts.
imagine that!
shutting your blinds
while you are on holiday in St Tropez.
JUST BY THINKING!
scare the shit out of some burglars by making the tv n lights come on and making them think you are home.
even though you are else where getting tanned to shit.
ace.

WOW!
The bloke just said,"in the future you can email a toaster"!
????
THIS IS ALL TRUE!
ITS CALLED "ray kurzweil-transcendent man"

what a strange example tho?
why are scientists always testing things on toasters?
like ghost busters 2.

He said in the future we will have "A.Is"...
(thats thing what the small eyed boy Hayley Joel Osmond played before his balls dropped)
...and he said that,
"everything will be intelligent"
wow.
even the working classes?


JESUS.
i just got scared by a thought.
what if a fly gets in an email with a toaster?
and we have a maniac toaster going round
gobblin up our toast,
then puking i back up?
oh god.

and then our sayings will have to evolve?
" they were all over me like toasters on shit"
fuck.
loads of toasters on your windshield going down the M1!
god what a nightmare.
(maybe those "autoglass repair auto glass replace" people will be secretly happy about this?
maybe they are already breeding toaster fly hybrids???

"Sting" will have to catch one with a net so he can finally have his toast done properly
ON BOTH SIDES!
will he get done for animal cruelty?
fuck me.
lets get back to reality.
im scaring my self.

right.
AHA YES.
A QUESTION THATS BEEN NIGGLING ME?

is it MORE or LESS moral to steal a blind persons shades?
as apposed to a normal eyed boys shades?

FOR EXAMPLE
2 kids....you HAVE to steal one of their shades.
1 blind.
1 not so blind.
not blind at all actually.
infact completely perfect vision.
a "see merchant" if you will.

on one hand you will be stealing from a blind person.
Bad.
but on the other you will be making a good eyed boy squint into the sun?
tricky isnt it.
i mean it seems worse to rob a blind boy.
BUT IS IT???
the debate rages on.
(in my mind)

i suppose if you were really good.
with slight of hand.
like a top notch magician.
(david blaine/paul zennon)
you could just switch them for a wank pair and never tell them about it.
maybe those novelty star shaped ones?
i mean they would never know.
well.
until they suddenly started gettin beaten up on a daily basis for looking like elton john.
and there popularity dwindled.
getting picked last for sport etc.
actually that probably happened anyways coz of the old blindness?

PHEW.
i just got scared they may read this and be offended.
but just checked my lap top.
no brail option.
So i should be ok.

Id hate that!
wouldnt wanna get beaten u by a blindo.
imagine.
they would have to punch you in the face.
then feel you to see the damage.
then punch you again.
god it would take ages!

what was i talking bout again?
AHA yes stealing.

i wonder if on a tube,
A really good thief has ever managed to steal someones ipod as they are listening to it?
that would be amazing!
the height of pick pocketing.
the victim would just suddenly realise they werent listneing to music anymore.
then they would see a bloke on the platform
with a swag bag.
doing the "dutty wine"
or possibly moonwalking over to the central line?
depending how talented he was.

i only say this coz i sometimes i panic that ive had mine stolen.
even tho im still listening to it.
 "MY IPOD...oh phew..its in my pocket and attached to my ears.
i knew it was to much of a coincidence for the tube to be playing the same playlist i made earlier.
plus its full of rude words.
Boris Johnson wouldnt have it!

He probably hates music the idiot.
just likes riding bikes.
and wearing helmets
and cutting bits of ribbons and shaking hands with people.
and trying to get laws passed.
and slagging of bendy buses.
and wearing blue ties to things.

i wonder if he wore a blue tie to school and just got a customed to it .
and that's why he joined the Tories?

Sort of like "stockholm syndrowm".
where you are held hostage.
But you end up identifying with your captors.
and end up not wanting to leave.
like that.
BUT WITH HIS OWN TIE.

"BO-JO"
"the story of one one man held prisoner ...
BY HIS OWN TIE"
starring boris johnson as himself.
and his tie...AS ITS SELF.
in cinemas tuesday.
"YOU WONT BELIVE THIS TORIE"
(story)

what wank idea for a film.


why is it called that anyways?
"STOCKHOLM SYNDROME"

do people in stockholm not leave ther houses?
is that why they are all blonde and fair?
lack of sunlight?
are albinos from stockholm?
no of course there not.
I'm being stupid!!

they are from Albania.

It might be worth stayin in your house more.
if you get your hair bleached
just stay in.
simply tell your boss you've been held captive.
instead of getting highlights.
cheaper.
unless you work in a hairdressers.
in which case get one of them shit trainees to do it.
you know.
the 15 year old ones that sweep hair for free.
poor little pricks.

nowt worse than a job you hate.
My milk round was bad.
cleaning a school was the worst for me.
it wouldnt have been as bad.
if my best mates didnt attend it at the time.
hi guys.
(dan, andy, chris.)

Bastard ball ache.
Espescially at the grammer school partys,
with there sexy posh totty!

"hey what's your name"?
rich!
"who you here with"?
oh dan...you know Dan Cowley?
"aha yeah...do you go to grammer"?
nope.
"are you sure...i'm  sure i've seen you..."
NOPE...DEFINATELY NOT!!!
"hang on a minute i know where i..."
SEE YA!!!!!

actually it was ok at one point.
i got dubbed "fit cleaner boy"
pleasant but annoying that.

It was like "i like the first part babes,
but can we leave the cleaner boy bit?"
or maybe i'll just lie and say there is someone else they call fit "dirty boy"?

its an option.

it happened again later in life actually.
when a woman said
"oh you know who your like dont you?"
i was thinking "go on love spit it out"
(prob jude law/brad pitt)
"your like a handsome MR BEAN"!
NOW dont get me wrong!
i love rowan atkinson.
and indeed mr bean.
but i like him for one reason, and one reason only.
because he's a FOOL!

its like being called.
a "hunky George Bush"!


OOOH POLITICAL!
look at me!

coming over here trying my damndest to be american.
Then slaggin em off!
who do i think i am?

They are mad tho.
The Americans!
do some crazy shit.

RIGHT.
THATS IT.
FUCK ME THAT KILLED!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD
I SWEAR IVE JUST DONE THIS!
IVE NEVER DONE THS BEFORE
BUT IM WRITING THIS FROM AMANVIRS FLAT.
AND JUST BROKE OFF FROM WRITING.
TO BRUSH MY TEETH.
coz my tongue was hurting
(do you ever get that?)
its wierd.
coz i havnt used mine today yet?

ANYWAYS!
i just saw some stuff on the side so cleaned it up,
on route to the bath room.
but some where along the way.
my brain must have backfired and become confused.
(like when you talk to some one and type simoultaniuosly)
(but then type what you are saying instead)
because i just started brushing my teeth...
WITH A SPOON!!!!!!
FUCK ME!
IT JUST CLANGED AGAINST MY TEETH!!!
I REALLY WENT FOR IT!!!
what a penis.
Thats one of the most painful stupidest things i've EVER done.

Baring in mind you are talking to a guy
who cut his head to shreds
by "bicking" it with his mums leg razor in a fit of rage.
because his hair didn't go enough like Paul Gasgoines!

fuck me!
and ive got metal filings!
that was close.
where was i?

ah yes STUPID AMERICANS!

its wierd because EVERYONE used to wanna be American!
as kids.
put your hand up now who wanted to be american as a  kid??
DONT ACTUALLY DO IT YOU THICKO!
you'll look mentally ill.
put it down.
infact if you did actually pop it up.
you should probably check your family tree.
it may very well have some american in it!

(family tree... we've all got a bit of "Bush"in our tree)
(must be a good metaphor for everyone being a bit thick at times in there)

OH GOD LOOK AT ME!
im not having a go.
i mean it in a nice way.
IM half one for Christs sakes.

(probably the half that comes up with these blogs)

But seriously.
they do some mad shit over here!

and some of em do look a bit mad to.
just
well.
bigger.
larger
FATTER!
sounds like some sort of daft punk song!
(i mean the group)
i wasnt sounding like some o.a.p.."those silly daft punks"
type of thing.

OH yeah.
coz i been getting into SCIENCE and BLACK HOLES n that.
(dont be rude,Steven Hawkins like them)
(and he cant be a pervy)
(his penis hasnt moved in 40 years)
or has it???
he'd have to drive forward,
then reverse,
loads!
just keep doing that.
forward.
and reverse.
forward.
and reverse.
forward....and reverse again!

did you know,
He drives that small car he lives in with the only muscle left working in his body.
in his cheek!
that is seriously amazing!
what a legend.
"ohhh... steven...your so cheeky"
ARE....YOU...TAK...ING...THE ....PISS?
"no i was being metaphorical"
O...K.
"so what will it be?
LAP....DANCE....PLEASE.
"oh not again,cant we do something else"
PISS....OFF...SLAG!

SO.
any ways yeah science and my brilliant theory.
apparently the larger a planet is.
the stronger its gravity.
SO maybe that's why fat people are considered to be sweaty and "dirtier."
maybe its not there fault?
they wash like normal human beings.
but they  have a stronger gravitational pull!
so dirt sticks to them easier.
and smell.
possibly.
does gravity affect smell?
nope.
sorry you stinky boy fat fats.
that really is just your fault.
me and issac newton can help you with the cleanliness thing
but your on your own with the B.O!

im only kidding.
im just harmlessly playing to stereo types.
i dont mean it.

but it is mad.
we WERE ALL obsessed with being American as children.
back in the 80s n 90s,
AS IF IT WAS STRATEGICALLY DESIGNED TO APPEAL TO US?
its like the government was run by kids!
STILL IS!
(satire....get in...high brow)


"excuse me young sir mr president?"
FOR GODS SAKES,
YOU KNOW NOT TO DISTURB ME WHEN I'M PLAYING STREET FIGHTER 7 ON MY SUPER FAMICOM"
"im sorry sir.i didnt even realise that was out yet".
"IT ISNT YET YOU DICKWEED .WE ARE IN AMERICA REMEMBER?
"oh yes my apologies its just,we've had some suggestion on running the country sent from england,
e.g sports, tv,laws etc just have a look see what you think we could just go with the same if you want?"
LET ME SEE THAT BULL SHIT!!!
RIGHT SPORTS...cricket,rugby,bowls ,WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!
FUCK IVE ALREADY TOLD YOU WHAT WE'RE HAVING...
WWF WRESTINLG,
SKATEBOARDING,
BMX-ING
AND SURFING!!!
"but sir these are there national sports.They may take offence?"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKES WELL FINE, WE CAN DO THEM THEN,
BUT MAKE THEM BETTER!!!
RIGHT CRICKET make that more funky,
get some cards made up so us kids can swap them and argue,oh and call it "baseball"!
NEXT RUGBY yeah boring,
do that but make the guys wear jazzy costumes and pads,
and get some fit birds at the side to throw each other around in short skirts,
that lift up and show off that rude mound!
BOWLS!!fuck me this needs a lot of work.
right first pop it in alley so its easier.
then have 10 targets instead of one.
BUNG A LOAD OF NEON LIGHS EVERY WEAR.
LET THEM DRINK BEER.
And instead of politely clapping when you do good.
SCREAM ,WHOOP AND HIGH 5 EACH OTHER ,
THEN TAUNT THE OTHER OPPONENTS then sit down and snog a babe.
OH YEAH,and change the rules!
instead of getting close to the target,
YOU HAVE TO SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

"ok sir i think i got that"

FRICKING DOUCHBAGS WHAT ELSE IS ON THE LIST
"school uniforms"
HA HA!
NO WAY DIPSHIT!
UNLESS ITS COMPULSARY TO WEAR A SKATE BOARD AND A BACKWARDS CAP AND AN EARING!!
"ok sir t.v?"
4 CHANNELS...DICKS!!
4000 CHANNELS MORE LIKE.
"t.v shows?"
WHO'S THIS TAGGART PRICK?
I CANT UNDERSTAND A WORD HES SAYING?
"he's scottish sir"
DONT LIKE HIM!!
i like the idea but give him a talking car and more guns and tighter trousers.
OH AND BUNG IT ON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY SO IT FITS IN WITH MY SCHEDULE!

"ah yes,what about guns shall we ban them?they seem to be killing people?"
NO WAY YOU ABSOLUTE DICKWAD!
THEY LOOK WELL COOL,
HAVNT YOU SEEN THE TERMINATOR OR ESCAPE FROM L.A?
PEOPLE DONT ACTUALLY DIE YOU A-HOLE!
"yes but thats in..."
THEY ARE STAYING NEXT!
"look i think its past your bed time you are getting wound up"
WHAT?
"your parents told me to tell you to go to bed"
NO.
"well what if they force you?"
WELL IL DIVORCE THEM THEN WONT I!!!
"what"
MACAULEY CULKIN DID IT!
"why"
BECAUSE ITS AMERICA!
AND IF KIDS GET TOLD WHAT TO DO WE DONT LIKE IT ALRIGHT?
NOW SOD OFF AND GET ME A PEPSI MAX AND A MCDONALDS!!!!

right i could go on with this.
but ive ranted for ages now and have probably lost you.
so lets wrap this up.

i just wanna finish by stating,
it doesnt matter what you look like or where your from
fat,thin,
american ,english.
we are all one!

unless you are schizophrenic.
in which case i'm not sure.
you maybe 2.
your on your own with that one.
OR possibly NOT?
thats the point.

right im confused.

bye xxx

"CHRISTIANS...LATER"!(christian slater)

so today is a beautiful day in new york city.
one of the best.
its warm.
the sun is shining
so i decided to spend it.
LOOKING THROUGH ARCHIVES OF DEAD PEOPLE WITH THE SAME NAME AS MY MISSING DAD!
oh yeah.
then a nice trip down to ground zero.

lovely.

which is wierd as shit when you think about it.
i spent all morning looking at people who don't exist.
and the  walked 45 minutes to see a building that wasn't there.
what a "non" day.
life is wierd some times.

so.
i walked through china town to get my 4 apples for a dollar.
(cheap)
they are a pleasant bunch.
(the chinese not the apples)
i can never imagine  being bullied by one.
cant imagine them pointing and laughing at you.
actually i wouldnt know if they were or not.
infact i wouldn't even know id  been started on till i was karate chopped in the face!

its wierd.
once i was walking.
late at night.
and saw a group of lads coming toward me
i don't mind admitting i shat it.
a bit.
but as they got closer my brain went
"oh phew...its just a group of chinese lads"
why did it do that?
if anything i should a have been more afraid.
what with them all being born black belts.

did anyone out there ever make it to black belt?
just wondered.

ALSO.
as i was walking through china town i saw a sign.
"sheep brains"
that mad innit?
dont get me wrong.
im firmly on the side of martin luther king.
"a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
but i think these guys have miss understood what he was banging on about.

but the wierdest thing was,
i tried taking a photo of the guy next to the sign.
but they wouldnt let me!
someone said its because they say the camera steals your soul or something.

i thought they invented the camera?
they make alot of them dont they?
"sony "and all that.

makes me feel massive walking round china town.
i must look mental.
like that bloke out of big fish with the lop sided face!

why when people get to big.
or to small.
do they always look mad?
it would be ace to just be perfect looking,
but 8 ft all.
or 1 ft tall.
it never happens tho.
you be like a god.

not that they exist.

YEAH!
not sure about this heaven and hell thing.
if it is true.
i wanna go to hell.
BETTER LIGHTING!
no offence to the interior designer of heaven.
but he over did the minimilist thing.
and its to bright.
like a H'n'M changing room.
or a airplane toilet.
shows all your pours up.
hells nice and dim,..
like a sexy night club.
also constant bbq on the go.
warmer presumably.

it would be mad though.
"hi mate what's your name?"
ermm hitler mate ...nice to meet you.
"hello its ni ....well hello."
your not jewish are you?
"me no...its just the shoes, and my hair curls up when it gets foisty"
ah
"so is this hell?"
yep.
"how can you tell?"
thats the devil over there.
"where"?
there...wearing prada.
"hey?"
over there...
"oh yeah...who's that with him?"
oh thats daniel johnston.
"who"?
just some talented nutter.
"ahh sweet"

dont think id be keen on the eternal torture aspect tho.
i grazed me knee once.
agony.

i mean i know it doesnt exist.
but then neither do the twin towers.
but i went there today??????

i should be safe.
but i have blasphemed quite a lot.
what is a swear word anyways????

i remember one bored summers day.
andy and i decided to see if we could invent a new swear word.
thr experiment was simple
he sits in his dads chair in his study.
and i keep slapping and punching him until
hopefully a new word or sound comes out involuntarilly.
i think this is quite a profound experiment.
testing if we just say words weve been trained to.
or if there are ACTUALL rude words that come out from deep within your subconscious.
an actuall swear word.
and guess what.
there was.
"SHIG DOG"!
dunno what it meant.
but it flowed out like blasphemic wine.
made from very rude grapes.

WIERD.
speaking of vino.
i wonder if jesus counted his blessings?
coz if he did.
he's a big head.
for keeping count.
and if not.
then he wasn't appreciating stuff proper?
poor bearded bastard was damned either way!

"jesus do you count your blessings"?
yes of course...every day.
"ooooooh get you!"
 EERM...I mean NO...NEVER....what is a blessing again,
i thought you said blessed....BRIAN BLESSED??????
"WHAT...did you count your "Blesseds"?
YES...and errm...it was one!
"Well obviously yeah".
Great...sorted then....MORE WINE JUDAS?

me and andy have spoken about this before but,
walking on water.
sounds great doesnt it?
NOT IF YOU WANNA GO SCUBA DIVING! IT DOESNT!!!
CRACK YOUR  SON OF A TWAT HEAD OPEN.
"ok jesus now just breath through this and on my count of three fall back over he edge ok...1...2....3.."
"BANG!"
gutted.

MAD.
sorry to break off but ive just been momentarily distracted by a HUGE advertisment for liam neesons new film.
"unknown""
The tag line is "TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE"
now i'm suer this is supposed to conjure up an image of liam saying...
"THATS IT...YOU FUCKED WITH THE WRONG BASTARD...NOW IM TAKING MY LIFE BACK YOU FRICKWADS"
but no.
my brain just pictured liam strolling up to the counter at argos goin...
"Hi sorry to trouble you...i bought this life a couple of weeks ago and its not exactly what i had in mind.
i'm not getting laid with it as much as id liked and ive had 2 ingrowing toe nails since i purchased it.
i was wondering .
is there any chance i could bring it back?"
NO.
"really...
...well can i exchange it"?
NO.
"right, credit notes?"
NO.you can only exchange it for something of equivelant value.
"right...
yeah thats the thing...
i dont really need a a bath matt a lilo or a calculator watch"?

OH MY GOD!!!!
ive just looked DIRECTLY beneath the advert of Neeson and there is a guy.
selling.
a gimp mask with a bong attached to it!
WHAT THE HELL!
he's waving it around smiling!
i don't think he knows what it is hes waving around?
jesus.
it looks so sinister.
But hes smiling to shit.
like a child running up to her parents with a dirty needle saying ,
"mummy look what ive found"
Put that down NOW!
naughty.

right im done.

i have a stand up gig tonight.
and Im going along with NO JOKES!
i am really scared.
petrified.

i need to do this.

trust my brain to come up with something amusing at will.

SO.
to summarise.
i love chinese people and mean no offence.
liam neeson has a new film out.
gimpy bong masks are available out side whole foods.
and religion is bullshit!

please pray for me tonight.
and god speed!

x

p.s if god does speed.
dont give him a ticket.
he may get angry.
then make loads of locusts/crickets come round your house.
and you know how noisy they are when you are trying to sleep!

"DONT EVEN TRY AND UNDERSTAND THIS" i dont.it means nothing.

i just woke up
may face feels fat
like a cat
sodding twat
gat
guns are cool
but only for fools
they dont make me drool
id rather eat gruel
from a pool
whilst riding a mule
with brain sewel
next to a ghoul
using power tools
they friggin rule
espescially ones from poole
near leeds
please
take heed
and eat some seeds
but dont be greed...
...y
im feeling needy
for
cheryl tweedy.
pie
in the sky
was shit
but tits
are nice
to suck
you piece of muck
garnier make fruc-
-tis
but dis me
and il kiss thee
all the way
from siclily
specifically
on the wily
you hill billy
 facilli-
-tate
thats great
but what a state
i get in
when i take
amphetamin
you cretin
dont be forgetting
the standard that im setting
im betting
on dog
that looks like a frog
and i bet
thats its sods
law
thats its jaw
goes up
instead of down
it sort of looks
like a reverse frown.
imagine a gown
that a clown
could drown
its sorrows
IN
but not completley
for its CHIN
stays within
the confines
of the air
which it need
for its heir
to be born
a human fawn
scorned
but torn
between
2 pa-rents
how does it
dare rant
about
the sprout
that it was granted
at birth
its first day
on this earth
its girth
is the circumference
of its tummy
"DENSE"
is the word
that you use
for
a thicko
that.......

IVE JUST WRITTEN THAT WITH OUT STOPPING
I DONT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
IM DRUNK AND KEPT TRYING TO RYHME STUFF
I FEEL SICK
I JUST NEEDED TO FEEL ID ACHIEVED SOMETHING TODAY.
so thats my input to the world.

happy oscars.
ladies and gentlepigs x

"DONT EXPECT NUFFINK"but actually do you beautuiful twats.

well its raining again!
dont worry folks.
im battling through it!
my moto is"i can give as good as i get!!!

(apart from at christmas when i temporarily waver my moto in my favour)
(you dont wanna come off worse off at chrimbo)
it would'nt be right.

SO i,m still broke.
and my bank card is snapped!
ball ache.
when i went to the woman in the bank to explain that" i sat on it and it snapped"
She just look at my arse in disbelief.
there was no denying it.
she was a "big momma'!
like the one Martin Lawrence played in that film.
in a house.

They have some SERIOUSLY BIG "bootys" over here.
gravity defying ones.
ones that sort of go upward!
like anti gravity buttocks.
buttocks that have never read about Issac Newton.
and don't care for his laws one bit!

in fact if id tried to explain his theory and how it came about shed probably say
"what's an apple?"
i dont think she was familiar with fruit.
at least the concept of eating it.

so im sat here.
again
in this cheap cafe
surrounded by my curly haired bretherin.
(hascidic jews)
in my religious but sensible footwear.
(hascidic shoes)
AND RATHER IRONICALLY
with a mouth full of tropical flavour "orbit" gum.
(acidic chews!)
nice.

and i may as well let you know.
I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO DAY!
nothings happened.
NOWT!
i just sat here looked around and started typing this.
so dont expect anyting.
THATS VERY IMPORTANT!
coz if you expect nothing.
you cant be dissapointed.
or can you?
actually YES you can.

i suppose if you went for an A.I.D.S test and expected nothing.
and then got some thing
youd be a little bit peeved off.
or suicidal.
that whole positive negative thing is a ball ache isnt it.
they need a new system.
its confusing.


"hello mr mercury we got your results back."
and?
"its positive."
WOO HOO GET ME THE COCAINE AND MIDGETS NOW!!!!
"you have aids."
oh....bastard.
how has this happened?
"well have you been having any unprotected sex?"
NO...NO WAY...NEVER...ive been "living on my own"
"honestly?"
well...ive dabbled
"how do you mean"
well bits n bats.
"WITH BATS?"
no its a saying!
"OH sorry,its just i know you gays are a bit wild and its the 80s and all."
GAY!!!how dare you assume im GAY!
"but..."
HAND ME MY FEATHER BOWER AT ONCE...come on elton we are leaving...."BITCH"!!!

sorry where was i ??

yes thats it expect NOTHING from me.
because if you do.
you are bound to get dissapointed.

i just dont think i can can keep this up.
i suppose thats why so many marriages end in divorce.
when you love some one it must be hard.
because you meet on a high.
and think THIS IS AMAZING...THIS WILL BE FOREVER!
but it cant.
so you are both let down.
again because of "EXPECTATIONS".
YES!
(i love it when that happens...accidental tie ins)

ACTUALLY.
SHIT.
IVE JUST HAD A GENIUS IDEA!!!
here me the frick out...
infact.?
JESUS!
HOLD ONTO YOUR MOTHER F&%^$CKIN HATS BABES!
ive just had  revolutionary new idea for the perfect relationship.
fuck newtons theory of gravity.
check out richs "theory of marriage-tivity"!

"what rich marry someone you love?"
nope.
MARRY SOMEONE YOU FUCKING HATE!!!!!!!!!
THATS THE KEY!

Then it can only get better?
you can never hate them any more than you did.
so you will just end up finding stuff that you like about them.
you would be forced to.
things can only get better type of thing?
"D.ream" knew what he was son about.

"what are you on about rich you effing penis"
bare with me here suck pigs!
think about it!

think of the worst person you can.
some one who raped your mum?
or say Hitler?
or bin laden!
if you start with someone you cant even stand to look at.
it cant get any worse can it?
and if you are forced to stay together.
YOU ARE BOUND TO START TO FIND THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT THEM!
even just to selfishly make your own life better.

"I HATE YOU...MARRY ME!
what a great line.

bin laden for example.
you would eventually think oh well.
"that twin towers thing was bang out of order"
but on the plus side.
"you have got quite a nice beard."
"sorry bin what....yeah i do like the Simpsons...what...WIERD THATS MY FAVOURITE EPISODE TOO"!
"you've actually got an ok  sense of humour actually Binners!"
when i can understand you.
and this cave is pretty snazzy.
"you look a bit like ali baba actually...do you know the forty thieves?"
"OH MY GOD YOU HAVNT SEEN "DISNEYS ALLADDIN?"
YOU WILL LOVE IT!
ITS RIGHT UP YOUR STREET!
im gonna pop it on.

what a lovely thought.
im pretty sure you could find something you like in anyone.
you'd be surprised.

OH YEAH!
talking of surprises.
and expectations.
guess what.
 you know that the statue of liberty.
THAT WAS A SON OF A B£%TCH GIFT!!!!!!!!
they cant have seen that coming.
that must have been a SURPRISE.
or least EXPECTED thing ever.
seeing as this has become about expectations.

where am i?


AH YES!
must have been a bit awkward .
for who ever was in charge then.
George bush minus the 3rd.
or that one with the hat and beard out of bill and ted.

"ahha helo mesour a gift"
where is it?
"iz out ere"
JESUS MAN...bit big innit...what is it?
"zee statue of liberty"
oh right....and what does it do ?
"nozzing"
nothing?
"no."
what it just stands there looking like a statue that looks like the statue of liberty?
"wee."
right and it definately does'nt move.
"no."
never?
"NO!"
not even if Bill murray and a few mates were to smear it in pink pscho active slime and play it some" jackie wilson"?
"well yes... maybe zen."
ahahaa..cool...cool...hmmmm.

if im totally honest.
and maybe im wrong.
but i dont think they wanted it!
the americans.
i think they were secretly annoyed.

I know for a FACT David Copperfield...
(Claudia schiffer shagger and part time magician)
.. tried to get rid of it in the 80s.
but he only manged it for a bit.
then it came back.
gutted!

RIGHT IM TALKING BOLLOCKS AGAIN!


so to summarise dont expect anything from any one.
but also.
EXPECT EVERYTHING FROM EVERYONE!!!!

COZ WE ALL DESERVE IT!


bye bye.

x

"THE POUND IS WEAK LADIES AND GENTLEMEN"and guess whos fault it is?

"THE POUND IS WEAK LADIES AN GENTLE MAN
yes thats right.
not my words the words.
the words off that bloke on the telly who talks about money.
the bloke with those graphs behind his head that shows when stuff is good.
and also when its bad.
the ones that look like mad jagged mountains.
or that thing that goes up and down when your heart beats at the beginning of an episode of "casualty".

god that was a scary show as a child.
one of the scariest.
the opening music.
"nee naw nee naw nee naw nee naw
DUM DUM DUM DUM!!!!"
so scary.
if it tought me one thing it was this,
DO NOT go to under ground raves and take drink and drugs because if you do,you can guarantee...
A RAFTER WILL FALL ON YOU!!!!
fact.


any ways THE POUND IS WEAK and we only have our selves to blame.
yes that right.
and you know what.
ITS OUR OWN FAULT!
its nothing to do with a recession you bloody fools.
its all down to a careless saying...
"look after the pennies...and the pounds will look after them selves"
im sure you all remember branding that round willy nilly?
well look what you've done.
THE POUND HAS TIRED ITS SELF OUT TRYING TO DEFENDING ITS SELF!!!
Im not suprised its weak.
it must be knackered the poor little circular bastard!
(wierd "poor" money i'm sure there is something in that)
you dont hear of the penny being weak do you?
no sir.
we've been predjudice.
money-ists!

how could we expect it to keep it up?
constantly being beat down.
who knows.
maybe rogue pennys were even ganging up on them?
"OH COME ON LADS ITS A HUNDERED TO ONE"?
thats fair game in our eyes sunshine!
"ARGH NO FAIR YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD".
right flip him over!
ARGHH ME TAIL!!

actually.
i wonder what the queen thinks of that photo of her on cash?
i wonder when they took that photo if she knew what she was getting her self in for?


"EUURGH CHRIST... i hate my profile...i look terrible...what's this pic for by the way"?
oh nowt....dont worry...i doubt anyone will see it.
"splendid...TALLY HO!!!"

I know from the old modelling days,
some days you turn up.,
do the shoot and before you know what its for
your off to the next job!
you'd have to call your booker to check.
"sorry sarah its rich,just wondering, what was that shoot i just did with that man for"?
which one?
"the one in my pants"
errmm...it is...the cover of "BOYZ" magazine!
"great"


infact what is her job?
the queen.
just goes to the cinema alot doesnt she.
shes a professional hand shaker and waver??
im surprised she doesnt have one big hand from over using it.

she should technically look like one of them giant foam handed lunatics off "gladiators".
id love to see her in the crowd.
"BOOOO..WOLF YOU SHIT HEAD...BOOOOO!!!"
"SARACEN....SARACEN ..SARACEN...COME OOONN,
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!
"no m'lady it doesnt work like that anymore."
oh jesus....i mean,..ON WITH HIS HEAD,...YES STAY ON WITH HIS HEAD...DONT LET IT ACCIDENTALLY FALL OFF EITHER!
thats better.
"OR IL HAVE YOUR HEAD CUT OFF!!!!
no youve done it again
"shit sorry paul"!
(burrell)

i wonder what her fave would be?
probably the joust?
takes her back to her medievil roots.!!!

imagine if instead of winning brand new "vauxhall corsa".
the loser had to DIE!!

it would give them that extra insentive for the "travellator"!

that mad panic .
"OH MY GOD..I M GOING TO DIE...OH MY GOD IVE SLIPPED AND GOING BACK DOWN...
OH NO HES TAKEN OVER ME"!!!
imagine smashing through that giant paper "G" to your imminnent survival!

That sweaty up beat interview with Ulrika Johnson
while in the back ground the other demoralised lycra clad sod,
is being led off the crash matt weeping so John Fashanu can lop off his bonce!!!

sorry im getting carried away.
that would never happen!!!
theyd get Wolf to do it.


so anyways im not sure why i did this blog.
its not even very long.
nor is there any point to it.

actually il make one.
know this money does'nt matter.
its irrelevent.
we made it up.
it says nothing about you
and happiness comes from with in.
perfect.

Actually while im on about being broke.
and english.
and in new york.

STINGS  SONG "AN ENGLISH MAN IN NEW YORK".
there sommat wrong with that mans head!

"i dont like coffee i drink tea my dear"
fine.
"i like my toast done on one siiiide"
YOUR TOASTERS F£$%KING BROKEN MATE.
GET A NEW ONE YOU IDIOT!
you HAVE got enough money!
You could even afford a "breville" one,you schizophrenic toast lover!
you've lost the plot.
singing about ALIENS and TOAST and PROSTITUTES.
who do you think you are?
freddy prince jnr!!!

INFACT stop having ago aliens.
they dont have a go at you for being geordie!
how do you know if they are illegal.
they may be law abiding aliens?

ALTHOUGH YOU DO GET "DODGY" ALIENS.
those ones in the 90s!!!
remember them???
they were naughty.
giving it all that
"TAKE ME TO YOUR DEALER!"  chat.
well thats the Hascienda for ya!
must have messed with there heads.

anyways thats it ive totally lost it again.

bye!

xx