its sunnier today.
sunny.
BUT STILL FREEZING!
This fact is important because,
i just did the hour long walk i do every morning into manhattan.
"why is it nice richard"?
not really no.
i basically did it to avoid paying the £1.50 train fare!
i like the l.A tube sytstem.
sure its unreliable,
but they work on a "trust" and "honour" scheme with no turn styles to speak of.
which for an untrustwothy dishonourable guy like me is just AMAZING!
scrubbers around the world.
i command you come to hollywood in your thousands.
i promise you will save absolutely 100s of pence a day!
anyways i was walking over the bridge
very high winds!
mental!
well when i say high.
i mean not that high at all.
well my height to be prescise.
exactly my height actually.
all around me.
so quite low to be honest.
infact im sure there were even some going on under the bridge beneath me?
well lets just say it was very windy!
it must have been looking for chicago but got lost?
it should get google maps.
its the 21st century
come on nature.
catch up with technology!
where was i?
so anyways yeah it was fuckin freezing ,and any way a super "G" walked passed me!
a "gangster"!
a "ghetto boy"!
a "bad ass mutha"
any ways as he got closer i noticed he had his trouser leg rolled up.
and i didnt want to stare as these guys can pop a cap in you with out thinking twice!
thats "in you" not "on you"
(they dont beat the shit out of you by giving away free head wear)
"what you looking at fool"?
nothing.
"GOD DAMMIT YOU WANT ME TO POP A BERET ON YOUR HEAD MUTHA FUCKA"
no please..
"IM A DO IT!"
go on then....tell my mum ...i died with dignity"
"what"?
just say it was a top hat or something.
where was i?
yeah so as he walked past me i glanced at him.
but subtly.
in that way that you do when you are on holiday on your sun lounger as a child and a woman is sat with a tit out,
and you look forward and also left at the same time!
sort of force your self to get a lazy eye.
GOD it must have been heaven for Forest Whitaker going on holiday to the south of france as a nipper.
pervy little midget Idi Amin gettin a goggle at your babs!
ANYWAYS yeah as i did this and he got close i noticed that all the hairs on his leg were stood on end,
and his teeth were clenched shut!
THE BOZO WAS FREEZING HIS ASS OFF!
it was a classic case of when my mum would say
"pop a jacket on its cold out"
and i would say...
"SHUT UP MUM YOU IDIOT ITS BOILING LOOK OUTSIDE"
"no but its deciving"
"LOOK MUM...I AM a 12 year old MAN!...i think i know the world and my own body better than you!
"ok."
then with in 5 mins of stepping out of the car in town id think,
"fuck me...the bitch was right...i'm fucking freezing."
are you cold richard?
NO...i was actually just thinking how warm it is...and that i wish id worn shorts.
"your arms are blue"
yeah...so..i like it....RIGHT im going to stand in dixions and piss around with those new c.d players and see which is the smoothest ejection!
any ways yeah,
it was like this guy was going through the same ordeal.
but bizzarely WITH HIS OWN LEG??
it was mental.
"please let me wear you down?"
NOPE I WANNA BE WORN UP TODAY!
"please its cold out "
NOPE!
"but im a hardened gangster....im already wearing baby blue trackie bottoms".
look wear me up or we are'nt going out...i need to work on my tan!
"please its freezing outside let me roll you down?"
NO WAY HOSE!
"alright."
fuck i'm cold!
"look this ginger boy is staring at us!please let me wear you down and il buy you that shin pad you wanted?
ok.
like an unruly shin!
a maverick leg.
actually while talking of shins WHY THE HELL IS THERE A LIFT COMPANY CALLED
"SCHINDLERS LIFTS"????
did he not see that?
i half expect gas to start seeping in when the doors close.
even if my name was "schindler" no matter how proud of my design,
i would have been the bigger man and just used another name!
its wierd isnt it ,people say "it takes a bigger man to walk away"?
well i must be massive coz i normally walk away well fast.
its technically sprinting!
my dad used to live by this moto.
ESPESCIALLY WHEN IT CAME TO GETTING MY MUM PREGNANT!
haha.
which is why im in America here actually.
but i will talk about that next time.
But yeah schindlers lifts!
just give it a different name.
one that conjures up a different more pleasant image .
"trustworthy lift corporation" or summat like that.
cheap but efficient.
"our prices will plummet...BUT OUR LIFTS WONT!"
thats better.
they can have that if they pay me.
And speaking of names i have figured some thing out...
LEONARDO IS THE COOLEST NAME YOU CAN GIVE A MAN....OFFICIALLY!
IT IS...
A GENIUS PAINTER.
AN INTELLECTUAL TURTLE.
A BEAUTIFUL OSCAR NOMINATED ACTOR.
AND A LION!
no contest.
(apart from possibly "Toby")
i mean come on if you give your kid a cool name its gonna be famous isnt it?
they arnt gonna get a job in a call centre.
it would never work!
"Hello welcome to Argos this is "Leonardo Wilhelm Dicaprio" speaking how can i help?
so give your sona cool name and make his life easier on the poor badger.
some suggestions.
"nick gilette"
"kurt faberge"
"dude megasnake"
(just make sure hes not a saddo first)
ask him some questions when he pops out the womb.
whats his favourite film.
what kind of music he listens to etc
if he says "operation dumbo drop starring danny glover" and "the light house family"
its probably best you pop him back inside
or just give him away
or run really quick like my dad did.
remember IT TAKES A BIGGER MAN TO WALK AWAY!!!!!!
apparently.
x
P.S QUICK QUESTION
The name "Adolf "sort of died out didnt it?
after the old holocaust.
is it illegal to name your son Adolf?
bit controversial but is it legal?
"Adolf christ"?
or jesus hitler?
must be wrong.
oh yeah another thought just popped i my head.
do you reckon during the holocaust ,horrible and terrible and despicable as it was,
(i'm serious now)
that people would ever go to sleep on a night and have night mare and wake up in mad panic,
and go
"JESUS"
what ,whats up?
"that was the worst thing ever...i was being chase by a were wolf in a go kart"!
oh no..dont worry it was just a dream.
"phew"
nope your back in Aushiwitz now
"thank god for that."
Sorry my brains going off completely now.
none of this is my fault.
you cant blame my brain for having these thoughts
they are just questions.
its not your fault what your brain thinks or feels is it.
Im sorry.
but its just things that "pop in there"
like Ray Stance in ghost busters.
It happened to him and he was activley trying to think of nothing!
Even DAN ACKROYD WITH ALL HIS SKILL AS AN ACTOR AND GHOSTBUSTER
STILL could not help but think of a giant bloke made of marsh mallow.
i don't stand a chance.
(Who came first the stay puff dude,or the michelin man?)
(some ones definatley copied someone elses style there)
so yeah don't have ago at me,
just know that all this comes from a beautiful place.
and i love you all
xxx
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
"THE ACCIDENTAL JEW"and how to love each other.
"THE ACCIDENTAL JEW"
well its snowing again.
fuckin yey!
mother nature.
STUPID WHORE!
ive a good mind to start wearing more deodorant.
or aim it into the sky and let a few blasts of let here feel my wrath!
she can suck my fat one!
(thats if she hadnt made it shrivel up to the size of a toddlers)
actually do you reckon peados ever shave of there pubes.
take loads of pills.
then get aroused by their own tiny genitalia?????
it would be annoying coz it would grow if you did?
thus cancelling out the arousal/bone-age?
but then it would go small again.
and then youd be off again????
"grounhog boner"
new bill murray film?
maybe not.
god id have barry norman spinning in his grave.
if he was dead.
is he?
i dunno.
or care.
ANYWAYS yeah!!!
"the accidental jew"
well because of this bastard weather i was forced to by some cheap sensible shoes
the kind my mum would try make me wear as a kid and id cry and demand some Reebock pumps!
in the end wed settle on some "L.A regulators".
mums.
you gotta meet theses lousy babes half way some times.
what with them paying for everything and taking care of you and all that.
any ways the shoes look gimpish.
no 2 ways about it.
shiny.
back.
sensible!!!!!!!
apparently like a hasidic jews?
(lauren told me this)
"hasidic" sounds like they are volitile.
but it is a jewish word or something.
probably means "ace".
any ways because of this bastard weather i was also forced to wear my black small beanie.
and anyways my hair is curly and 2 bits had dangled out the side of their own accord.
one down each side of my face.
i didnt sleep to well last night and i have some quite dark bags under my eyes.
and for a reason i dont know why i chose to wear some actuall smart black trousers today!
MAYBE IT WAS JUST DESTINY!!!
Anyways i was looking for a free library to use the free wifi option with out having to pay the price of a coffee.
BUT THE BASTARDS AR ALL SHUT COZ ITS PRESIDENTS DAY OR SUMMAT!
do we get prime minister day?
we fuckin should do if they get this shit.
who is priminister now?
actually who gives a div.
dont answer that.
but we should do!
i mean we get st georges day and what was he?
A FRIGGIN ANIMAL KILLER!.
he should have been reported to the r.s.p.c.a!!!
not been given a knight hood!!!!
they need to be saved for real heros!!!
like elton john.
and sir Ian mclellen!
i cant belive they get them!!!
there are a lot of gay nights about nowadays arnt there???
what if that dragons viscious severly peeved off cousin comes back wanting revenge as they always do!
(you cant solve a problem by killing things.they should have resolved it and sorted something out)
or at least got a fire extingisher or something!
ANYWAYS YEAH if his cousin come back or what ever who we gonna send in?
"right that dragons back"
really?
"yeah he looks a bit livid"
ok well no probs we prepared for this just round up the knights if the realm that are availabele
and have his head off"
"who we got"?
errm...sir elton john.
"hmmm...right...any more?"
ian mclellan?
"AHA...gandalf???"
yeah.
"right he could be an option?"
il pop him on the list
"WHAT!!
YOU CANT PUT HIM ON THE SEX OFFENDERS REGISTER JUST FOR BEING GAY"!
no no i mean the dragon slayers list.
"oh.ok good."
"gay knights"
sounds like a film to me!!!!
but then what doesnt.
anyways ive gone off the point again.
YEAH SO while i was looking for this library
i was asking for directions and i realised that id stumbled into a massive jewish area.
the curly sidys.
the long coats.
the little coasters on the heads.
EVERYTHING!
and me in my new get up.
i felt like id stumbled into compton avenue L.A,
and accidentally left my brand new RED marks and spencers red paisely hankie hanging out my back pocket!
(i was actually paranoid while in l.a i would do this
even though i never owned a hankie
im not that type of guy
way to cool.
if i was to get a runny nose.
which i dont.
i would more than likely just blow it dead hard like them cool footballers do.
or scrubbers.
ANYWAYS and a van pulled up.
(an old renault espace)
and 5 of them got out.
jewish fellas.
and i asked for directions to the nearest library.
and hey.
maybe it was me.
but they were so friendly,im sure they saw me as one of their own!!
one of them cosily put his arm round me and spun me in the right direction.
IT WAS QUITE ROMANTIC!
it was like in one of those romantic novels where time slows down and we have a moment that changes our lives.
sort of.
anyways IM SURE THEY SAW ME AND WELCOMED ME AS ONE OF THEIR OWN???
I swear.
the look in their eyes.
normally i just assume that they had fancied me.
but not these religous suckers.
no way!
well maybe a bit.
(it is me...."fit rich")
joke.
but i suddenly realised why they did it.
ITS NICE TO BE PART OF SOMETHING ISNT IT?
if they had have said
"hey are you a jew?"
id have have been tempted to say
"yeah totally!!bang into it....steven spielberg....and all that"!!!
oh really authodox?
"no...not totally...i mean...im jew...ISH"!
(clever that wasnt it)!!
ive just made my own day there)
its ace making your own day.
"im good me arnt i"
what a lovely feeling.
wish i had it more.
i wish we all did!
CHRIST SEE IVE DONE IT AGAIN!!!
where was i.
in fact where am i now??
ah yes im sat in a cafe in the round the corner from where all this just took place.
thawing out with a coffee.
2.50 dollars that i wouldnt have had to spend had it not have been presidents day.
(thank you mr bush)
cant wait til we get a new president)
A BLACK ONE!!!
nah.
thats ludicrous.
maybe one day.
AND EQUAL RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE.....AND I MEAN THAT!!
so yeah im in the cafe in the jewish area of williamsburg.
writing about it.
(SHIT ...NOTE TO SELF....DO NOT....I REPEAT DO NOT ASK "WHAT TIME IS THE BUS....."DUE"!)
it could lead to an unwanted altercation.
FUUUCK IVE DOENIT AGAIN!
wait no i havnt.
im where i should be in this .
yes.
perfect.
yeah so WE ALL LOVE BEING PART OF A GANG!
army.
navy.
(we need to abolish these)
fashionistas.
religions.
(these will go in the future when we are all properly educated and equal)
clubbers.
ravers.
i remember the total sense of belonging i got from going to "speed queen" EVERY saturday night.
dressed like some sort of 17 year old homosexual jive turkey and bonding with my fellow man.
AND WOMEN!!!
i know what you were thinking.
you total sex perverts!
ACTUALLY while im at it can i just say this.
CLUBBING IS MAD INNIT!!!!!
i dont mean that in the way that scrubber mums from from council estates say it
"IM DEAD MAD ME"!!
but think about it.
break it down.
a perfect night out
go to a room.
listen to a sound.
wriggle your body round in a wierd motion.
stick your hand in the air and wave it round a bit.
and if your REALLY lucky.
go over to another human being
put your tongue in their mouth.
and then WRIGGLE IT A ROUND ABIT!
then go home!!!!!
3 days later.
(ro hahahaha)
so yeah any ways gangs.
its a sense of belonging
even being bag head.
at least you are part of something!
i mean if you have to get into a gang
may i suggest another one.
a safer one.
no offence to smack heads its a disease and you have my love and support.
but if it comes down to a warriors style battle.
IM taking my chances with "the brownies"!
which ironically you could confuse with your gang all to easily!!!!!
(another note to self DO NOT .i repeat DO NOT accidentally send your future daughter to a group of smack heads.
check first.
if there is a needle sticking out of the leaders arm THAT IS NOT "AKELA")
infact i want to say now to everyone.
LEAVE HEROIN ALONE!
no matter how bored with life you are.
if you feel you need a hobby.
take up badminton!!!
its a lot safer.
i never heard of anyone pimping out their children for shuttle cocks!
any ways i have to stop now.
ive lost my point!
YES gangs make us feel wanted.
but we are all part of the biggest and best gang in the world
THE HUMAN RACE!
so lets stop with the separation.
stop slaying each other.
(LIKE DRAGONS)
and JUST give each other a cuddle.
a sexy one!
x
well its snowing again.
fuckin yey!
mother nature.
STUPID WHORE!
ive a good mind to start wearing more deodorant.
or aim it into the sky and let a few blasts of let here feel my wrath!
she can suck my fat one!
(thats if she hadnt made it shrivel up to the size of a toddlers)
actually do you reckon peados ever shave of there pubes.
take loads of pills.
then get aroused by their own tiny genitalia?????
it would be annoying coz it would grow if you did?
thus cancelling out the arousal/bone-age?
but then it would go small again.
and then youd be off again????
"grounhog boner"
new bill murray film?
maybe not.
god id have barry norman spinning in his grave.
if he was dead.
is he?
i dunno.
or care.
ANYWAYS yeah!!!
"the accidental jew"
well because of this bastard weather i was forced to by some cheap sensible shoes
the kind my mum would try make me wear as a kid and id cry and demand some Reebock pumps!
in the end wed settle on some "L.A regulators".
mums.
you gotta meet theses lousy babes half way some times.
what with them paying for everything and taking care of you and all that.
any ways the shoes look gimpish.
no 2 ways about it.
shiny.
back.
sensible!!!!!!!
apparently like a hasidic jews?
(lauren told me this)
"hasidic" sounds like they are volitile.
but it is a jewish word or something.
probably means "ace".
any ways because of this bastard weather i was also forced to wear my black small beanie.
and anyways my hair is curly and 2 bits had dangled out the side of their own accord.
one down each side of my face.
i didnt sleep to well last night and i have some quite dark bags under my eyes.
and for a reason i dont know why i chose to wear some actuall smart black trousers today!
MAYBE IT WAS JUST DESTINY!!!
Anyways i was looking for a free library to use the free wifi option with out having to pay the price of a coffee.
BUT THE BASTARDS AR ALL SHUT COZ ITS PRESIDENTS DAY OR SUMMAT!
do we get prime minister day?
we fuckin should do if they get this shit.
who is priminister now?
actually who gives a div.
dont answer that.
but we should do!
i mean we get st georges day and what was he?
A FRIGGIN ANIMAL KILLER!.
he should have been reported to the r.s.p.c.a!!!
not been given a knight hood!!!!
they need to be saved for real heros!!!
like elton john.
and sir Ian mclellen!
i cant belive they get them!!!
there are a lot of gay nights about nowadays arnt there???
what if that dragons viscious severly peeved off cousin comes back wanting revenge as they always do!
(you cant solve a problem by killing things.they should have resolved it and sorted something out)
or at least got a fire extingisher or something!
ANYWAYS YEAH if his cousin come back or what ever who we gonna send in?
"right that dragons back"
really?
"yeah he looks a bit livid"
ok well no probs we prepared for this just round up the knights if the realm that are availabele
and have his head off"
"who we got"?
errm...sir elton john.
"hmmm...right...any more?"
ian mclellan?
"AHA...gandalf???"
yeah.
"right he could be an option?"
il pop him on the list
"WHAT!!
YOU CANT PUT HIM ON THE SEX OFFENDERS REGISTER JUST FOR BEING GAY"!
no no i mean the dragon slayers list.
"oh.ok good."
"gay knights"
sounds like a film to me!!!!
but then what doesnt.
anyways ive gone off the point again.
YEAH SO while i was looking for this library
i was asking for directions and i realised that id stumbled into a massive jewish area.
the curly sidys.
the long coats.
the little coasters on the heads.
EVERYTHING!
and me in my new get up.
i felt like id stumbled into compton avenue L.A,
and accidentally left my brand new RED marks and spencers red paisely hankie hanging out my back pocket!
(i was actually paranoid while in l.a i would do this
even though i never owned a hankie
im not that type of guy
way to cool.
if i was to get a runny nose.
which i dont.
i would more than likely just blow it dead hard like them cool footballers do.
or scrubbers.
ANYWAYS and a van pulled up.
(an old renault espace)
and 5 of them got out.
jewish fellas.
and i asked for directions to the nearest library.
and hey.
maybe it was me.
but they were so friendly,im sure they saw me as one of their own!!
one of them cosily put his arm round me and spun me in the right direction.
IT WAS QUITE ROMANTIC!
it was like in one of those romantic novels where time slows down and we have a moment that changes our lives.
sort of.
anyways IM SURE THEY SAW ME AND WELCOMED ME AS ONE OF THEIR OWN???
I swear.
the look in their eyes.
normally i just assume that they had fancied me.
but not these religous suckers.
no way!
well maybe a bit.
(it is me...."fit rich")
joke.
but i suddenly realised why they did it.
ITS NICE TO BE PART OF SOMETHING ISNT IT?
if they had have said
"hey are you a jew?"
id have have been tempted to say
"yeah totally!!bang into it....steven spielberg....and all that"!!!
oh really authodox?
"no...not totally...i mean...im jew...ISH"!
(clever that wasnt it)!!
ive just made my own day there)
its ace making your own day.
"im good me arnt i"
what a lovely feeling.
wish i had it more.
i wish we all did!
CHRIST SEE IVE DONE IT AGAIN!!!
where was i.
in fact where am i now??
ah yes im sat in a cafe in the round the corner from where all this just took place.
thawing out with a coffee.
2.50 dollars that i wouldnt have had to spend had it not have been presidents day.
(thank you mr bush)
cant wait til we get a new president)
A BLACK ONE!!!
nah.
thats ludicrous.
maybe one day.
AND EQUAL RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE.....AND I MEAN THAT!!
so yeah im in the cafe in the jewish area of williamsburg.
writing about it.
(SHIT ...NOTE TO SELF....DO NOT....I REPEAT DO NOT ASK "WHAT TIME IS THE BUS....."DUE"!)
it could lead to an unwanted altercation.
FUUUCK IVE DOENIT AGAIN!
wait no i havnt.
im where i should be in this .
yes.
perfect.
yeah so WE ALL LOVE BEING PART OF A GANG!
army.
navy.
(we need to abolish these)
fashionistas.
religions.
(these will go in the future when we are all properly educated and equal)
clubbers.
ravers.
i remember the total sense of belonging i got from going to "speed queen" EVERY saturday night.
dressed like some sort of 17 year old homosexual jive turkey and bonding with my fellow man.
AND WOMEN!!!
i know what you were thinking.
you total sex perverts!
ACTUALLY while im at it can i just say this.
CLUBBING IS MAD INNIT!!!!!
i dont mean that in the way that scrubber mums from from council estates say it
"IM DEAD MAD ME"!!
but think about it.
break it down.
a perfect night out
go to a room.
listen to a sound.
wriggle your body round in a wierd motion.
stick your hand in the air and wave it round a bit.
and if your REALLY lucky.
go over to another human being
put your tongue in their mouth.
and then WRIGGLE IT A ROUND ABIT!
then go home!!!!!
3 days later.
(ro hahahaha)
so yeah any ways gangs.
its a sense of belonging
even being bag head.
at least you are part of something!
i mean if you have to get into a gang
may i suggest another one.
a safer one.
no offence to smack heads its a disease and you have my love and support.
but if it comes down to a warriors style battle.
IM taking my chances with "the brownies"!
which ironically you could confuse with your gang all to easily!!!!!
(another note to self DO NOT .i repeat DO NOT accidentally send your future daughter to a group of smack heads.
check first.
if there is a needle sticking out of the leaders arm THAT IS NOT "AKELA")
infact i want to say now to everyone.
LEAVE HEROIN ALONE!
no matter how bored with life you are.
if you feel you need a hobby.
take up badminton!!!
its a lot safer.
i never heard of anyone pimping out their children for shuttle cocks!
any ways i have to stop now.
ive lost my point!
YES gangs make us feel wanted.
but we are all part of the biggest and best gang in the world
THE HUMAN RACE!
so lets stop with the separation.
stop slaying each other.
(LIKE DRAGONS)
and JUST give each other a cuddle.
a sexy one!
x
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
"ME AND HOW HOLLYWOOD MADE MY BRAIN BREAK"
ok so this is it im becoming a writer!
think steven king...but a bit shit.
ACTUALLY wierdly what i just said above sets this up perfectly!
see ive already started on "films".
OR HAVE I????
no i havnt.
thats the point!!!!
see...hes an author.
and writes books.
well he's an author coz he writes books.
its a bit of a bi product to be honest.
infact its very difficult indeed to be an author with out writing any books?
i think there should have been some different punctuation there.
what was i saying again?
AHA YEAH THE POINT IS i ONLY assosciate him with things made into films and shows!!!
this sets the scene well for what im about to bang on about.
first of all there will be mistakes in this.
lots.
and do you know what?...im leaving them in!!
yeah .
thats right.
its my style.
what you saying im lazy?
no way.
screw you dillweed!
just coz you dont undertsand it and some words may not look right as long as you can grasp it...who gives a twat.
this is my style.
im an "ABSTRACT WRITER"!
what you saying picasso was "lazy" coz he didnt do stuff what looked right and that.
piss off knob head.
just coz it was a bit blocky.
that was his style.
why should he try keep in the lines if doesnt want to.
IMAGINE IF HIS MUM HAD TOTALLY BOLLOCKED HIM TO STAY IN THE LINES,..WE WOULD NEVER HAVE WHAT WE HAVE.
it may have been smashed out of him!!
if picasso wants to make people looks like rectangular idiots...let him.
he did alright for himself!
if we're gonna have a go at people for looking to angular why dont you go slag of Dolph Lundrgen or Casper Van Dien?
what... cant be bothered?
didnt think so.
fanny.
same with jackson Pollock!
imagine if his daft shit mum had said,
"what a mess you little div...who slashed all this friggin paint everywhere...clean that up now and get to bed...AND NO ORIOS"!
gave him a right "pollocking".
clever that wasnt it.(see witty pun above)
what im saying is dont slag people of for being who they are and doin what they do.
its not there fault.
no good or evil.
or right or wrong.
we are just aload of atoms.
lets just be "happy atoms"
i used to be so confused,at school they would say"sit down and be quiet richard learn harder put more effort in"
i was.
i was putting a lot of effort in actually.
to hoaning my craft.
entertaining/being a twit.
it always baffled me.
really baffled me.
espescially when i would have the whole class smiling and laughing.
The most positive form of energy you can imagine no one upset or depressed for that hour/lesson
(apart from the one i was picking on at the time)
joke.
it made no sense.
every one smiling and laughing and beaming and the teacher saying "NO...BAD"
bad?
how could making people this happy be bad?????
how could i be a bad person for it?
everyone pays to get this feeling in various forms...and im here dishing it out for free...IVE A GOOD MIND TO CHARGE YOU SONS OF GIMPS!!!
ME coming in here dishing out free happiness after sluggin my guts out on my milk round from 5.30 am in the freezing cold
my only solice coming into make some marmite on toast and have a silent wank over "an american were wolf in london"
or rik mayalls"bottom".(the one with the dating service)
Trying my damned hardest not to make a noise pissing around with the V.H.S incase my mum heres it rewinding for the 8th time in a row.
or worse GETTING IT STUCK!
never mind having to smuggle it back up stairs as she comes down for her breakfast...
"richard'?
"yes'.
"whats up with your calf?"
nothing why?
"its shaped like a rectangle?"
errmm.. OH FOR GODS SAKES I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT... IVE GOT TO GET TO SCHOOL ,YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE LEARNING....WHOOOORE"!
OH YEAH AND WHILE IM AT IT WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE"CHOCO POPS"...I SAID "COCO POPS"...THESE ARE ARE MORRISONS OWN BRAND YOU SCRUBBER!
(sorry mum)
kids have it so easy now with nice silent internet working its pervy magic.
no modems or video tapes for these lovable little shits.
just instant porn and cartoons in abundance.
great being a kid.
dont get bollocked as much for being childish.
although ironically i did...alot?
that dont make sense either?
"richard you are 12 years old..stop being so childish"!
i may have well retorted..
"grow up miss you elderly dick."
ANYWAYS I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD GO IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS.
thats my style.
YEAH SO thats the beauty of it "ART".
you just get it or you dont.
but dont slag shit off coz you dont get it.
i CANT meditate!
but some people can.
i cant.
right there is a point to that last comment somewhere.
il figure it out later.
so yeah "HOLLYWOOD BROKE MY BRAIN"
whats that all about? i hear you ask.
i recently came to amaerica and it made me realise how much films had warped my perseption of reality.
everything i see can be traced back to a film...all my references through life are of films
ITS BEEN MADE VERY CLEAR WHEN COMIN TO THE COUNTRY WHERE THEY MAKE THE BASTARDS.
for instance,
when i get on a bus here i dont think "well this is a pleasant mode of transport"
i think,
"i need every body to stay calm....THERE IS A BOMB ON THE BUS"
and every time i see a mail van i dont think
"hey up....nice bit of mail being delivered there"
i think,
"EVERY BODY GET THE F*&K DOWN THIS IS A HEIST "
(this makes my life tricky as the postal service is quite a big industry and i see mail vans on every corner)
i just pictured postman pat in a balaclava...and jess with a mini one...possibly just a "totes"toasties sock with 2 eye holes cut out.
Whilst on the west coast,I was lucky enough to be taken on a beautiful hike up in the loz feliz hills in silverlake los angeles.
and as we approached the top of the mountain my guide james gazed out and said pensively,
"look at that view,stunning.Im so lucky.I wake up to this every morning.you can see all of Los Angeles from here...right to the ocean."
and i went,
"yeah....IS THAT THE SHOT OF THE BEGINNING OF THE A TEAM WHEN THE MACHINE GUN SOUND AND THE THEME TUNE KICKS IN?
"possibly richard.possibly"
he said.
but this kind of thing happens every second of my life!
as we sauntered back down the hill through the beautiful 1930s houses and mansions.
We saw a beautiful oak tree its aged but thick titanic limbs reached up towards the sun winding out over the road.
they commented on its history and what amazing things it must have witnessed and the things it will enevitably go on to witness in its life time long long after we have perished.
and my brain just went...
"THATS LIKE THE ONE GEORGE MCFLY FALLS OUT OF WHILE PERVING ON LORRAINE BAINES THROUGH A PAIR OF BINOCULARS IN BACK TO THE FUTURE"
"oh my god...."HES A PEEPING TOM"
just before being shoved out of the way of a speeding car by the son he hasnt yet had!
and when they commeneted on how thick and beautiful the texture of its trunk and roots i was thinking
"looks like that diplodocus in jurassic park."
again while i was there someone asked me if i was into basketball.
i said "not really i used to be"
"oh really who was your favourite player" he asked
i honestly nearly answered "WESLEY SNIPES"!
coz see i was never even really into basketball....what i was into was"white men cant jump"
infact its bloody a good job he didnt ask me my top 3 because after snipes and Harellson...id have been Fucked!
(actually no there was that tall skinny bloke raymond who stood out)
"NAH NAH NAH FUCK THIS...SEE i TELL YOU WHAT IM'A DO.... IM'A GO GET ME MY GUN...SHOOT ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS"!
"raymond...is that you raymond"
"NAH NAH THIS THIS AINT RAYMOND"
"take that damn thing of your head"
shit.
and in my mind i was into martial arts for a while
BUT NO I WASNT ...i was into "karate kid".
i dont know about any famous karate bastards.
i only did it to get the kit so i could do it infront of my babysitter in an attempt to woo her.
(i used to make her hold up a turquoise moonwalker jumper with michael jacksons face on it and let rip on the sucker.
kiddie fiddler or not ...this talented/troubled pop king was getting a weak round house...WEATHER HE LIKED IT OR NOT!
infact the only other person i know who even did karate besides Ralph Macchio and was my teacher/sensi of 2 weeks "mrs kiddle"!
who i only remembered because her hair was like phillip from "guess who".
and she randomly appeared on"N TV"on "noels house party" one saturday night.
ironically at the same time as i was pissing around using the"skills" i had learned to batter a sweater to impress a teenager.
my cover was nearly blown!
although on reflection im sure she could tell i wasnt a black belt.
you can generally tell when somethings been coloured in with a crayon.
but any ways the film thing is getting out of control.
the other day i had a walkers crisp that reminded me of jaws!!
and it made me beg the question.
WHEN WILL THIS END?????????????????
never i hope. x
think steven king...but a bit shit.
ACTUALLY wierdly what i just said above sets this up perfectly!
see ive already started on "films".
OR HAVE I????
no i havnt.
thats the point!!!!
see...hes an author.
and writes books.
well he's an author coz he writes books.
its a bit of a bi product to be honest.
infact its very difficult indeed to be an author with out writing any books?
i think there should have been some different punctuation there.
what was i saying again?
AHA YEAH THE POINT IS i ONLY assosciate him with things made into films and shows!!!
this sets the scene well for what im about to bang on about.
first of all there will be mistakes in this.
lots.
and do you know what?...im leaving them in!!
yeah .
thats right.
its my style.
what you saying im lazy?
no way.
screw you dillweed!
just coz you dont undertsand it and some words may not look right as long as you can grasp it...who gives a twat.
this is my style.
im an "ABSTRACT WRITER"!
what you saying picasso was "lazy" coz he didnt do stuff what looked right and that.
piss off knob head.
just coz it was a bit blocky.
that was his style.
why should he try keep in the lines if doesnt want to.
IMAGINE IF HIS MUM HAD TOTALLY BOLLOCKED HIM TO STAY IN THE LINES,..WE WOULD NEVER HAVE WHAT WE HAVE.
it may have been smashed out of him!!
if picasso wants to make people looks like rectangular idiots...let him.
he did alright for himself!
if we're gonna have a go at people for looking to angular why dont you go slag of Dolph Lundrgen or Casper Van Dien?
what... cant be bothered?
didnt think so.
fanny.
same with jackson Pollock!
imagine if his daft shit mum had said,
"what a mess you little div...who slashed all this friggin paint everywhere...clean that up now and get to bed...AND NO ORIOS"!
gave him a right "pollocking".
clever that wasnt it.(see witty pun above)
what im saying is dont slag people of for being who they are and doin what they do.
its not there fault.
no good or evil.
or right or wrong.
we are just aload of atoms.
lets just be "happy atoms"
i used to be so confused,at school they would say"sit down and be quiet richard learn harder put more effort in"
i was.
i was putting a lot of effort in actually.
to hoaning my craft.
entertaining/being a twit.
it always baffled me.
really baffled me.
espescially when i would have the whole class smiling and laughing.
The most positive form of energy you can imagine no one upset or depressed for that hour/lesson
(apart from the one i was picking on at the time)
joke.
it made no sense.
every one smiling and laughing and beaming and the teacher saying "NO...BAD"
bad?
how could making people this happy be bad?????
how could i be a bad person for it?
everyone pays to get this feeling in various forms...and im here dishing it out for free...IVE A GOOD MIND TO CHARGE YOU SONS OF GIMPS!!!
ME coming in here dishing out free happiness after sluggin my guts out on my milk round from 5.30 am in the freezing cold
my only solice coming into make some marmite on toast and have a silent wank over "an american were wolf in london"
or rik mayalls"bottom".(the one with the dating service)
Trying my damned hardest not to make a noise pissing around with the V.H.S incase my mum heres it rewinding for the 8th time in a row.
or worse GETTING IT STUCK!
never mind having to smuggle it back up stairs as she comes down for her breakfast...
"richard'?
"yes'.
"whats up with your calf?"
nothing why?
"its shaped like a rectangle?"
errmm.. OH FOR GODS SAKES I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT... IVE GOT TO GET TO SCHOOL ,YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE LEARNING....WHOOOORE"!
OH YEAH AND WHILE IM AT IT WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE"CHOCO POPS"...I SAID "COCO POPS"...THESE ARE ARE MORRISONS OWN BRAND YOU SCRUBBER!
(sorry mum)
kids have it so easy now with nice silent internet working its pervy magic.
no modems or video tapes for these lovable little shits.
just instant porn and cartoons in abundance.
great being a kid.
dont get bollocked as much for being childish.
although ironically i did...alot?
that dont make sense either?
"richard you are 12 years old..stop being so childish"!
i may have well retorted..
"grow up miss you elderly dick."
ANYWAYS I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD GO IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS.
thats my style.
YEAH SO thats the beauty of it "ART".
you just get it or you dont.
but dont slag shit off coz you dont get it.
i CANT meditate!
but some people can.
i cant.
right there is a point to that last comment somewhere.
il figure it out later.
so yeah "HOLLYWOOD BROKE MY BRAIN"
whats that all about? i hear you ask.
i recently came to amaerica and it made me realise how much films had warped my perseption of reality.
everything i see can be traced back to a film...all my references through life are of films
ITS BEEN MADE VERY CLEAR WHEN COMIN TO THE COUNTRY WHERE THEY MAKE THE BASTARDS.
for instance,
when i get on a bus here i dont think "well this is a pleasant mode of transport"
i think,
"i need every body to stay calm....THERE IS A BOMB ON THE BUS"
and every time i see a mail van i dont think
"hey up....nice bit of mail being delivered there"
i think,
"EVERY BODY GET THE F*&K DOWN THIS IS A HEIST "
(this makes my life tricky as the postal service is quite a big industry and i see mail vans on every corner)
i just pictured postman pat in a balaclava...and jess with a mini one...possibly just a "totes"toasties sock with 2 eye holes cut out.
Whilst on the west coast,I was lucky enough to be taken on a beautiful hike up in the loz feliz hills in silverlake los angeles.
and as we approached the top of the mountain my guide james gazed out and said pensively,
"look at that view,stunning.Im so lucky.I wake up to this every morning.you can see all of Los Angeles from here...right to the ocean."
and i went,
"yeah....IS THAT THE SHOT OF THE BEGINNING OF THE A TEAM WHEN THE MACHINE GUN SOUND AND THE THEME TUNE KICKS IN?
"possibly richard.possibly"
he said.
but this kind of thing happens every second of my life!
as we sauntered back down the hill through the beautiful 1930s houses and mansions.
We saw a beautiful oak tree its aged but thick titanic limbs reached up towards the sun winding out over the road.
they commented on its history and what amazing things it must have witnessed and the things it will enevitably go on to witness in its life time long long after we have perished.
and my brain just went...
"THATS LIKE THE ONE GEORGE MCFLY FALLS OUT OF WHILE PERVING ON LORRAINE BAINES THROUGH A PAIR OF BINOCULARS IN BACK TO THE FUTURE"
"oh my god...."HES A PEEPING TOM"
just before being shoved out of the way of a speeding car by the son he hasnt yet had!
and when they commeneted on how thick and beautiful the texture of its trunk and roots i was thinking
"looks like that diplodocus in jurassic park."
again while i was there someone asked me if i was into basketball.
i said "not really i used to be"
"oh really who was your favourite player" he asked
i honestly nearly answered "WESLEY SNIPES"!
coz see i was never even really into basketball....what i was into was"white men cant jump"
infact its bloody a good job he didnt ask me my top 3 because after snipes and Harellson...id have been Fucked!
(actually no there was that tall skinny bloke raymond who stood out)
"NAH NAH NAH FUCK THIS...SEE i TELL YOU WHAT IM'A DO.... IM'A GO GET ME MY GUN...SHOOT ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS"!
"raymond...is that you raymond"
"NAH NAH THIS THIS AINT RAYMOND"
"take that damn thing of your head"
shit.
and in my mind i was into martial arts for a while
BUT NO I WASNT ...i was into "karate kid".
i dont know about any famous karate bastards.
i only did it to get the kit so i could do it infront of my babysitter in an attempt to woo her.
(i used to make her hold up a turquoise moonwalker jumper with michael jacksons face on it and let rip on the sucker.
kiddie fiddler or not ...this talented/troubled pop king was getting a weak round house...WEATHER HE LIKED IT OR NOT!
infact the only other person i know who even did karate besides Ralph Macchio and was my teacher/sensi of 2 weeks "mrs kiddle"!
who i only remembered because her hair was like phillip from "guess who".
and she randomly appeared on"N TV"on "noels house party" one saturday night.
ironically at the same time as i was pissing around using the"skills" i had learned to batter a sweater to impress a teenager.
my cover was nearly blown!
although on reflection im sure she could tell i wasnt a black belt.
you can generally tell when somethings been coloured in with a crayon.
but any ways the film thing is getting out of control.
the other day i had a walkers crisp that reminded me of jaws!!
and it made me beg the question.
WHEN WILL THIS END?????????????????
never i hope. x
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