""THIS CONTAINS THE STUPIDEST THING IVE EVER DONE" but has some fair points and Q's that need A's.

right ive gone into exhile for a few days.
life was getting to much.
so ive shut down.
its nice.
i feel relaxed.
im at amanvirs.
alone.
nice!

i've not NOT been near someone for over a month.
apart from when i pop to the bog.
and even then a tramp walked in mcdonalds.
coz i couldnt figure the lock out.
i hate that.
espescially on trains!
when its that futuristic buck rogers style door,
that take about a day to open.
and then a day to close.
and its not a simple lock either.
its like an air lock or something with a light?
just give me that bolt thing.
so annoying.
sat there kegs rounds your ankles..
waiting for it to open fully.
and then to close again!
staring everyone good bye as your bright red face finally dissapears,
whilst trying to conceal your goulies with dignity!

bloody futuritstic stuff i hate it.
but wait let me shock you now because....
I ALSO LOVE IT!!!!!!
TECHNOLOGY!!
I DON'T OWN ANY.
BUT I'M OBSESSED WITH IT.
i'm actually watching a doc now on how in the future
a guy just said.
"someone alive today now,will live for ever"

and computers will be as small as cells in our blood we will inject.
and we will communicate through our thoughts.
imagine that!
shutting your blinds
while you are on holiday in St Tropez.
JUST BY THINKING!
scare the shit out of some burglars by making the tv n lights come on and making them think you are home.
even though you are else where getting tanned to shit.
ace.

WOW!
The bloke just said,"in the future you can email a toaster"!
????
THIS IS ALL TRUE!
ITS CALLED "ray kurzweil-transcendent man"

what a strange example tho?
why are scientists always testing things on toasters?
like ghost busters 2.

He said in the future we will have "A.Is"...
(thats thing what the small eyed boy Hayley Joel Osmond played before his balls dropped)
...and he said that,
"everything will be intelligent"
wow.
even the working classes?


JESUS.
i just got scared by a thought.
what if a fly gets in an email with a toaster?
and we have a maniac toaster going round
gobblin up our toast,
then puking i back up?
oh god.

and then our sayings will have to evolve?
" they were all over me like toasters on shit"
fuck.
loads of toasters on your windshield going down the M1!
god what a nightmare.
(maybe those "autoglass repair auto glass replace" people will be secretly happy about this?
maybe they are already breeding toaster fly hybrids???

"Sting" will have to catch one with a net so he can finally have his toast done properly
ON BOTH SIDES!
will he get done for animal cruelty?
fuck me.
lets get back to reality.
im scaring my self.

right.
AHA YES.
A QUESTION THATS BEEN NIGGLING ME?

is it MORE or LESS moral to steal a blind persons shades?
as apposed to a normal eyed boys shades?

FOR EXAMPLE
2 kids....you HAVE to steal one of their shades.
1 blind.
1 not so blind.
not blind at all actually.
infact completely perfect vision.
a "see merchant" if you will.

on one hand you will be stealing from a blind person.
Bad.
but on the other you will be making a good eyed boy squint into the sun?
tricky isnt it.
i mean it seems worse to rob a blind boy.
BUT IS IT???
the debate rages on.
(in my mind)

i suppose if you were really good.
with slight of hand.
like a top notch magician.
(david blaine/paul zennon)
you could just switch them for a wank pair and never tell them about it.
maybe those novelty star shaped ones?
i mean they would never know.
well.
until they suddenly started gettin beaten up on a daily basis for looking like elton john.
and there popularity dwindled.
getting picked last for sport etc.
actually that probably happened anyways coz of the old blindness?

PHEW.
i just got scared they may read this and be offended.
but just checked my lap top.
no brail option.
So i should be ok.

Id hate that!
wouldnt wanna get beaten u by a blindo.
imagine.
they would have to punch you in the face.
then feel you to see the damage.
then punch you again.
god it would take ages!

what was i talking bout again?
AHA yes stealing.

i wonder if on a tube,
A really good thief has ever managed to steal someones ipod as they are listening to it?
that would be amazing!
the height of pick pocketing.
the victim would just suddenly realise they werent listneing to music anymore.
then they would see a bloke on the platform
with a swag bag.
doing the "dutty wine"
or possibly moonwalking over to the central line?
depending how talented he was.

i only say this coz i sometimes i panic that ive had mine stolen.
even tho im still listening to it.
 "MY IPOD...oh phew..its in my pocket and attached to my ears.
i knew it was to much of a coincidence for the tube to be playing the same playlist i made earlier.
plus its full of rude words.
Boris Johnson wouldnt have it!

He probably hates music the idiot.
just likes riding bikes.
and wearing helmets
and cutting bits of ribbons and shaking hands with people.
and trying to get laws passed.
and slagging of bendy buses.
and wearing blue ties to things.

i wonder if he wore a blue tie to school and just got a customed to it .
and that's why he joined the Tories?

Sort of like "stockholm syndrowm".
where you are held hostage.
But you end up identifying with your captors.
and end up not wanting to leave.
like that.
BUT WITH HIS OWN TIE.

"BO-JO"
"the story of one one man held prisoner ...
BY HIS OWN TIE"
starring boris johnson as himself.
and his tie...AS ITS SELF.
in cinemas tuesday.
"YOU WONT BELIVE THIS TORIE"
(story)

what wank idea for a film.


why is it called that anyways?
"STOCKHOLM SYNDROME"

do people in stockholm not leave ther houses?
is that why they are all blonde and fair?
lack of sunlight?
are albinos from stockholm?
no of course there not.
I'm being stupid!!

they are from Albania.

It might be worth stayin in your house more.
if you get your hair bleached
just stay in.
simply tell your boss you've been held captive.
instead of getting highlights.
cheaper.
unless you work in a hairdressers.
in which case get one of them shit trainees to do it.
you know.
the 15 year old ones that sweep hair for free.
poor little pricks.

nowt worse than a job you hate.
My milk round was bad.
cleaning a school was the worst for me.
it wouldnt have been as bad.
if my best mates didnt attend it at the time.
hi guys.
(dan, andy, chris.)

Bastard ball ache.
Espescially at the grammer school partys,
with there sexy posh totty!

"hey what's your name"?
rich!
"who you here with"?
oh dan...you know Dan Cowley?
"aha yeah...do you go to grammer"?
nope.
"are you sure...i'm  sure i've seen you..."
NOPE...DEFINATELY NOT!!!
"hang on a minute i know where i..."
SEE YA!!!!!

actually it was ok at one point.
i got dubbed "fit cleaner boy"
pleasant but annoying that.

It was like "i like the first part babes,
but can we leave the cleaner boy bit?"
or maybe i'll just lie and say there is someone else they call fit "dirty boy"?

its an option.

it happened again later in life actually.
when a woman said
"oh you know who your like dont you?"
i was thinking "go on love spit it out"
(prob jude law/brad pitt)
"your like a handsome MR BEAN"!
NOW dont get me wrong!
i love rowan atkinson.
and indeed mr bean.
but i like him for one reason, and one reason only.
because he's a FOOL!

its like being called.
a "hunky George Bush"!


OOOH POLITICAL!
look at me!

coming over here trying my damndest to be american.
Then slaggin em off!
who do i think i am?

They are mad tho.
The Americans!
do some crazy shit.

RIGHT.
THATS IT.
FUCK ME THAT KILLED!!!!!!!!!

OH MY GOD
I SWEAR IVE JUST DONE THIS!
IVE NEVER DONE THS BEFORE
BUT IM WRITING THIS FROM AMANVIRS FLAT.
AND JUST BROKE OFF FROM WRITING.
TO BRUSH MY TEETH.
coz my tongue was hurting
(do you ever get that?)
its wierd.
coz i havnt used mine today yet?

ANYWAYS!
i just saw some stuff on the side so cleaned it up,
on route to the bath room.
but some where along the way.
my brain must have backfired and become confused.
(like when you talk to some one and type simoultaniuosly)
(but then type what you are saying instead)
because i just started brushing my teeth...
WITH A SPOON!!!!!!
FUCK ME!
IT JUST CLANGED AGAINST MY TEETH!!!
I REALLY WENT FOR IT!!!
what a penis.
Thats one of the most painful stupidest things i've EVER done.

Baring in mind you are talking to a guy
who cut his head to shreds
by "bicking" it with his mums leg razor in a fit of rage.
because his hair didn't go enough like Paul Gasgoines!

fuck me!
and ive got metal filings!
that was close.
where was i?

ah yes STUPID AMERICANS!

its wierd because EVERYONE used to wanna be American!
as kids.
put your hand up now who wanted to be american as a  kid??
DONT ACTUALLY DO IT YOU THICKO!
you'll look mentally ill.
put it down.
infact if you did actually pop it up.
you should probably check your family tree.
it may very well have some american in it!

(family tree... we've all got a bit of "Bush"in our tree)
(must be a good metaphor for everyone being a bit thick at times in there)

OH GOD LOOK AT ME!
im not having a go.
i mean it in a nice way.
IM half one for Christs sakes.

(probably the half that comes up with these blogs)

But seriously.
they do some mad shit over here!

and some of em do look a bit mad to.
just
well.
bigger.
larger
FATTER!
sounds like some sort of daft punk song!
(i mean the group)
i wasnt sounding like some o.a.p.."those silly daft punks"
type of thing.

OH yeah.
coz i been getting into SCIENCE and BLACK HOLES n that.
(dont be rude,Steven Hawkins like them)
(and he cant be a pervy)
(his penis hasnt moved in 40 years)
or has it???
he'd have to drive forward,
then reverse,
loads!
just keep doing that.
forward.
and reverse.
forward.
and reverse.
forward....and reverse again!

did you know,
He drives that small car he lives in with the only muscle left working in his body.
in his cheek!
that is seriously amazing!
what a legend.
"ohhh... steven...your so cheeky"
ARE....YOU...TAK...ING...THE ....PISS?
"no i was being metaphorical"
O...K.
"so what will it be?
LAP....DANCE....PLEASE.
"oh not again,cant we do something else"
PISS....OFF...SLAG!

SO.
any ways yeah science and my brilliant theory.
apparently the larger a planet is.
the stronger its gravity.
SO maybe that's why fat people are considered to be sweaty and "dirtier."
maybe its not there fault?
they wash like normal human beings.
but they  have a stronger gravitational pull!
so dirt sticks to them easier.
and smell.
possibly.
does gravity affect smell?
nope.
sorry you stinky boy fat fats.
that really is just your fault.
me and issac newton can help you with the cleanliness thing
but your on your own with the B.O!

im only kidding.
im just harmlessly playing to stereo types.
i dont mean it.

but it is mad.
we WERE ALL obsessed with being American as children.
back in the 80s n 90s,
AS IF IT WAS STRATEGICALLY DESIGNED TO APPEAL TO US?
its like the government was run by kids!
STILL IS!
(satire....get in...high brow)


"excuse me young sir mr president?"
FOR GODS SAKES,
YOU KNOW NOT TO DISTURB ME WHEN I'M PLAYING STREET FIGHTER 7 ON MY SUPER FAMICOM"
"im sorry sir.i didnt even realise that was out yet".
"IT ISNT YET YOU DICKWEED .WE ARE IN AMERICA REMEMBER?
"oh yes my apologies its just,we've had some suggestion on running the country sent from england,
e.g sports, tv,laws etc just have a look see what you think we could just go with the same if you want?"
LET ME SEE THAT BULL SHIT!!!
RIGHT SPORTS...cricket,rugby,bowls ,WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT!
FUCK IVE ALREADY TOLD YOU WHAT WE'RE HAVING...
WWF WRESTINLG,
SKATEBOARDING,
BMX-ING
AND SURFING!!!
"but sir these are there national sports.They may take offence?"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKES WELL FINE, WE CAN DO THEM THEN,
BUT MAKE THEM BETTER!!!
RIGHT CRICKET make that more funky,
get some cards made up so us kids can swap them and argue,oh and call it "baseball"!
NEXT RUGBY yeah boring,
do that but make the guys wear jazzy costumes and pads,
and get some fit birds at the side to throw each other around in short skirts,
that lift up and show off that rude mound!
BOWLS!!fuck me this needs a lot of work.
right first pop it in alley so its easier.
then have 10 targets instead of one.
BUNG A LOAD OF NEON LIGHS EVERY WEAR.
LET THEM DRINK BEER.
And instead of politely clapping when you do good.
SCREAM ,WHOOP AND HIGH 5 EACH OTHER ,
THEN TAUNT THE OTHER OPPONENTS then sit down and snog a babe.
OH YEAH,and change the rules!
instead of getting close to the target,
YOU HAVE TO SMASH THE SHIT OUT OF IT!

"ok sir i think i got that"

FRICKING DOUCHBAGS WHAT ELSE IS ON THE LIST
"school uniforms"
HA HA!
NO WAY DIPSHIT!
UNLESS ITS COMPULSARY TO WEAR A SKATE BOARD AND A BACKWARDS CAP AND AN EARING!!
"ok sir t.v?"
4 CHANNELS...DICKS!!
4000 CHANNELS MORE LIKE.
"t.v shows?"
WHO'S THIS TAGGART PRICK?
I CANT UNDERSTAND A WORD HES SAYING?
"he's scottish sir"
DONT LIKE HIM!!
i like the idea but give him a talking car and more guns and tighter trousers.
OH AND BUNG IT ON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY SO IT FITS IN WITH MY SCHEDULE!

"ah yes,what about guns shall we ban them?they seem to be killing people?"
NO WAY YOU ABSOLUTE DICKWAD!
THEY LOOK WELL COOL,
HAVNT YOU SEEN THE TERMINATOR OR ESCAPE FROM L.A?
PEOPLE DONT ACTUALLY DIE YOU A-HOLE!
"yes but thats in..."
THEY ARE STAYING NEXT!
"look i think its past your bed time you are getting wound up"
WHAT?
"your parents told me to tell you to go to bed"
NO.
"well what if they force you?"
WELL IL DIVORCE THEM THEN WONT I!!!
"what"
MACAULEY CULKIN DID IT!
"why"
BECAUSE ITS AMERICA!
AND IF KIDS GET TOLD WHAT TO DO WE DONT LIKE IT ALRIGHT?
NOW SOD OFF AND GET ME A PEPSI MAX AND A MCDONALDS!!!!

right i could go on with this.
but ive ranted for ages now and have probably lost you.
so lets wrap this up.

i just wanna finish by stating,
it doesnt matter what you look like or where your from
fat,thin,
american ,english.
we are all one!

unless you are schizophrenic.
in which case i'm not sure.
you maybe 2.
your on your own with that one.
OR possibly NOT?
thats the point.

right im confused.

bye xxx

"CHRISTIANS...LATER"!(christian slater)

so today is a beautiful day in new york city.
one of the best.
its warm.
the sun is shining
so i decided to spend it.
LOOKING THROUGH ARCHIVES OF DEAD PEOPLE WITH THE SAME NAME AS MY MISSING DAD!
oh yeah.
then a nice trip down to ground zero.

lovely.

which is wierd as shit when you think about it.
i spent all morning looking at people who don't exist.
and the  walked 45 minutes to see a building that wasn't there.
what a "non" day.
life is wierd some times.

so.
i walked through china town to get my 4 apples for a dollar.
(cheap)
they are a pleasant bunch.
(the chinese not the apples)
i can never imagine  being bullied by one.
cant imagine them pointing and laughing at you.
actually i wouldnt know if they were or not.
infact i wouldn't even know id  been started on till i was karate chopped in the face!

its wierd.
once i was walking.
late at night.
and saw a group of lads coming toward me
i don't mind admitting i shat it.
a bit.
but as they got closer my brain went
"oh phew...its just a group of chinese lads"
why did it do that?
if anything i should a have been more afraid.
what with them all being born black belts.

did anyone out there ever make it to black belt?
just wondered.

ALSO.
as i was walking through china town i saw a sign.
"sheep brains"
that mad innit?
dont get me wrong.
im firmly on the side of martin luther king.
"a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
but i think these guys have miss understood what he was banging on about.

but the wierdest thing was,
i tried taking a photo of the guy next to the sign.
but they wouldnt let me!
someone said its because they say the camera steals your soul or something.

i thought they invented the camera?
they make alot of them dont they?
"sony "and all that.

makes me feel massive walking round china town.
i must look mental.
like that bloke out of big fish with the lop sided face!

why when people get to big.
or to small.
do they always look mad?
it would be ace to just be perfect looking,
but 8 ft all.
or 1 ft tall.
it never happens tho.
you be like a god.

not that they exist.

YEAH!
not sure about this heaven and hell thing.
if it is true.
i wanna go to hell.
BETTER LIGHTING!
no offence to the interior designer of heaven.
but he over did the minimilist thing.
and its to bright.
like a H'n'M changing room.
or a airplane toilet.
shows all your pours up.
hells nice and dim,..
like a sexy night club.
also constant bbq on the go.
warmer presumably.

it would be mad though.
"hi mate what's your name?"
ermm hitler mate ...nice to meet you.
"hello its ni ....well hello."
your not jewish are you?
"me no...its just the shoes, and my hair curls up when it gets foisty"
ah
"so is this hell?"
yep.
"how can you tell?"
thats the devil over there.
"where"?
there...wearing prada.
"hey?"
over there...
"oh yeah...who's that with him?"
oh thats daniel johnston.
"who"?
just some talented nutter.
"ahh sweet"

dont think id be keen on the eternal torture aspect tho.
i grazed me knee once.
agony.

i mean i know it doesnt exist.
but then neither do the twin towers.
but i went there today??????

i should be safe.
but i have blasphemed quite a lot.
what is a swear word anyways????

i remember one bored summers day.
andy and i decided to see if we could invent a new swear word.
thr experiment was simple
he sits in his dads chair in his study.
and i keep slapping and punching him until
hopefully a new word or sound comes out involuntarilly.
i think this is quite a profound experiment.
testing if we just say words weve been trained to.
or if there are ACTUALL rude words that come out from deep within your subconscious.
an actuall swear word.
and guess what.
there was.
"SHIG DOG"!
dunno what it meant.
but it flowed out like blasphemic wine.
made from very rude grapes.

WIERD.
speaking of vino.
i wonder if jesus counted his blessings?
coz if he did.
he's a big head.
for keeping count.
and if not.
then he wasn't appreciating stuff proper?
poor bearded bastard was damned either way!

"jesus do you count your blessings"?
yes of course...every day.
"ooooooh get you!"
 EERM...I mean NO...NEVER....what is a blessing again,
i thought you said blessed....BRIAN BLESSED??????
"WHAT...did you count your "Blesseds"?
YES...and errm...it was one!
"Well obviously yeah".
Great...sorted then....MORE WINE JUDAS?

me and andy have spoken about this before but,
walking on water.
sounds great doesnt it?
NOT IF YOU WANNA GO SCUBA DIVING! IT DOESNT!!!
CRACK YOUR  SON OF A TWAT HEAD OPEN.
"ok jesus now just breath through this and on my count of three fall back over he edge ok...1...2....3.."
"BANG!"
gutted.

MAD.
sorry to break off but ive just been momentarily distracted by a HUGE advertisment for liam neesons new film.
"unknown""
The tag line is "TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE"
now i'm suer this is supposed to conjure up an image of liam saying...
"THATS IT...YOU FUCKED WITH THE WRONG BASTARD...NOW IM TAKING MY LIFE BACK YOU FRICKWADS"
but no.
my brain just pictured liam strolling up to the counter at argos goin...
"Hi sorry to trouble you...i bought this life a couple of weeks ago and its not exactly what i had in mind.
i'm not getting laid with it as much as id liked and ive had 2 ingrowing toe nails since i purchased it.
i was wondering .
is there any chance i could bring it back?"
NO.
"really...
...well can i exchange it"?
NO.
"right, credit notes?"
NO.you can only exchange it for something of equivelant value.
"right...
yeah thats the thing...
i dont really need a a bath matt a lilo or a calculator watch"?

OH MY GOD!!!!
ive just looked DIRECTLY beneath the advert of Neeson and there is a guy.
selling.
a gimp mask with a bong attached to it!
WHAT THE HELL!
he's waving it around smiling!
i don't think he knows what it is hes waving around?
jesus.
it looks so sinister.
But hes smiling to shit.
like a child running up to her parents with a dirty needle saying ,
"mummy look what ive found"
Put that down NOW!
naughty.

right im done.

i have a stand up gig tonight.
and Im going along with NO JOKES!
i am really scared.
petrified.

i need to do this.

trust my brain to come up with something amusing at will.

SO.
to summarise.
i love chinese people and mean no offence.
liam neeson has a new film out.
gimpy bong masks are available out side whole foods.
and religion is bullshit!

please pray for me tonight.
and god speed!

x

p.s if god does speed.
dont give him a ticket.
he may get angry.
then make loads of locusts/crickets come round your house.
and you know how noisy they are when you are trying to sleep!