Sunday, February 27, 2011

"DONT EVEN TRY AND UNDERSTAND THIS" i dont.it means nothing.

i just woke up
may face feels fat
like a cat
sodding twat
gat
guns are cool
but only for fools
they dont make me drool
id rather eat gruel
from a pool
whilst riding a mule
with brain sewel
next to a ghoul
using power tools
they friggin rule
espescially ones from poole
near leeds
please
take heed
and eat some seeds
but dont be greed...
...y
im feeling needy
for
cheryl tweedy.
pie
in the sky
was shit
but tits
are nice
to suck
you piece of muck
garnier make fruc-
-tis
but dis me
and il kiss thee
all the way
from siclily
specifically
on the wily
you hill billy
 facilli-
-tate
thats great
but what a state
i get in
when i take
amphetamin
you cretin
dont be forgetting
the standard that im setting
im betting
on dog
that looks like a frog
and i bet
thats its sods
law
thats its jaw
goes up
instead of down
it sort of looks
like a reverse frown.
imagine a gown
that a clown
could drown
its sorrows
IN
but not completley
for its CHIN
stays within
the confines
of the air
which it need
for its heir
to be born
a human fawn
scorned
but torn
between
2 pa-rents
how does it
dare rant
about
the sprout
that it was granted
at birth
its first day
on this earth
its girth
is the circumference
of its tummy
"DENSE"
is the word
that you use
for
a thicko
that.......

IVE JUST WRITTEN THAT WITH OUT STOPPING
I DONT KNOW WHAT IT MEANS
IM DRUNK AND KEPT TRYING TO RYHME STUFF
I FEEL SICK
I JUST NEEDED TO FEEL ID ACHIEVED SOMETHING TODAY.
so thats my input to the world.

happy oscars.
ladies and gentlepigs x

Friday, February 25, 2011

"DONT EXPECT NUFFINK"but actually do you beautuiful twats.

well its raining again!
dont worry folks.
im battling through it!
my moto is"i can give as good as i get!!!

(apart from at christmas when i temporarily waver my moto in my favour)
(you dont wanna come off worse off at chrimbo)
it would'nt be right.

SO i,m still broke.
and my bank card is snapped!
ball ache.
when i went to the woman in the bank to explain that" i sat on it and it snapped"
She just look at my arse in disbelief.
there was no denying it.
she was a "big momma'!
like the one Martin Lawrence played in that film.
in a house.

They have some SERIOUSLY BIG "bootys" over here.
gravity defying ones.
ones that sort of go upward!
like anti gravity buttocks.
buttocks that have never read about Issac Newton.
and don't care for his laws one bit!

in fact if id tried to explain his theory and how it came about shed probably say
"what's an apple?"
i dont think she was familiar with fruit.
at least the concept of eating it.

so im sat here.
again
in this cheap cafe
surrounded by my curly haired bretherin.
(hascidic jews)
in my religious but sensible footwear.
(hascidic shoes)
AND RATHER IRONICALLY
with a mouth full of tropical flavour "orbit" gum.
(acidic chews!)
nice.

and i may as well let you know.
I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO DAY!
nothings happened.
NOWT!
i just sat here looked around and started typing this.
so dont expect anyting.
THATS VERY IMPORTANT!
coz if you expect nothing.
you cant be dissapointed.
or can you?
actually YES you can.

i suppose if you went for an A.I.D.S test and expected nothing.
and then got some thing
youd be a little bit peeved off.
or suicidal.
that whole positive negative thing is a ball ache isnt it.
they need a new system.
its confusing.


"hello mr mercury we got your results back."
and?
"its positive."
WOO HOO GET ME THE COCAINE AND MIDGETS NOW!!!!
"you have aids."
oh....bastard.
how has this happened?
"well have you been having any unprotected sex?"
NO...NO WAY...NEVER...ive been "living on my own"
"honestly?"
well...ive dabbled
"how do you mean"
well bits n bats.
"WITH BATS?"
no its a saying!
"OH sorry,its just i know you gays are a bit wild and its the 80s and all."
GAY!!!how dare you assume im GAY!
"but..."
HAND ME MY FEATHER BOWER AT ONCE...come on elton we are leaving...."BITCH"!!!

sorry where was i ??

yes thats it expect NOTHING from me.
because if you do.
you are bound to get dissapointed.

i just dont think i can can keep this up.
i suppose thats why so many marriages end in divorce.
when you love some one it must be hard.
because you meet on a high.
and think THIS IS AMAZING...THIS WILL BE FOREVER!
but it cant.
so you are both let down.
again because of "EXPECTATIONS".
YES!
(i love it when that happens...accidental tie ins)

ACTUALLY.
SHIT.
IVE JUST HAD A GENIUS IDEA!!!
here me the frick out...
infact.?
JESUS!
HOLD ONTO YOUR MOTHER F&%^$CKIN HATS BABES!
ive just had  revolutionary new idea for the perfect relationship.
fuck newtons theory of gravity.
check out richs "theory of marriage-tivity"!

"what rich marry someone you love?"
nope.
MARRY SOMEONE YOU FUCKING HATE!!!!!!!!!
THATS THE KEY!

Then it can only get better?
you can never hate them any more than you did.
so you will just end up finding stuff that you like about them.
you would be forced to.
things can only get better type of thing?
"D.ream" knew what he was son about.

"what are you on about rich you effing penis"
bare with me here suck pigs!
think about it!

think of the worst person you can.
some one who raped your mum?
or say Hitler?
or bin laden!
if you start with someone you cant even stand to look at.
it cant get any worse can it?
and if you are forced to stay together.
YOU ARE BOUND TO START TO FIND THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT THEM!
even just to selfishly make your own life better.

"I HATE YOU...MARRY ME!
what a great line.

bin laden for example.
you would eventually think oh well.
"that twin towers thing was bang out of order"
but on the plus side.
"you have got quite a nice beard."
"sorry bin what....yeah i do like the Simpsons...what...WIERD THATS MY FAVOURITE EPISODE TOO"!
"you've actually got an ok  sense of humour actually Binners!"
when i can understand you.
and this cave is pretty snazzy.
"you look a bit like ali baba actually...do you know the forty thieves?"
"OH MY GOD YOU HAVNT SEEN "DISNEYS ALLADDIN?"
YOU WILL LOVE IT!
ITS RIGHT UP YOUR STREET!
im gonna pop it on.

what a lovely thought.
im pretty sure you could find something you like in anyone.
you'd be surprised.

OH YEAH!
talking of surprises.
and expectations.
guess what.
 you know that the statue of liberty.
THAT WAS A SON OF A B£%TCH GIFT!!!!!!!!
they cant have seen that coming.
that must have been a SURPRISE.
or least EXPECTED thing ever.
seeing as this has become about expectations.

where am i?


AH YES!
must have been a bit awkward .
for who ever was in charge then.
George bush minus the 3rd.
or that one with the hat and beard out of bill and ted.

"ahha helo mesour a gift"
where is it?
"iz out ere"
JESUS MAN...bit big innit...what is it?
"zee statue of liberty"
oh right....and what does it do ?
"nozzing"
nothing?
"no."
what it just stands there looking like a statue that looks like the statue of liberty?
"wee."
right and it definately does'nt move.
"no."
never?
"NO!"
not even if Bill murray and a few mates were to smear it in pink pscho active slime and play it some" jackie wilson"?
"well yes... maybe zen."
ahahaa..cool...cool...hmmmm.

if im totally honest.
and maybe im wrong.
but i dont think they wanted it!
the americans.
i think they were secretly annoyed.

I know for a FACT David Copperfield...
(Claudia schiffer shagger and part time magician)
.. tried to get rid of it in the 80s.
but he only manged it for a bit.
then it came back.
gutted!

RIGHT IM TALKING BOLLOCKS AGAIN!


so to summarise dont expect anything from any one.
but also.
EXPECT EVERYTHING FROM EVERYONE!!!!

COZ WE ALL DESERVE IT!


bye bye.

x

Thursday, February 24, 2011

"THE POUND IS WEAK LADIES AND GENTLEMEN"and guess whos fault it is?

"THE POUND IS WEAK LADIES AN GENTLE MAN
yes thats right.
not my words the words.
the words off that bloke on the telly who talks about money.
the bloke with those graphs behind his head that shows when stuff is good.
and also when its bad.
the ones that look like mad jagged mountains.
or that thing that goes up and down when your heart beats at the beginning of an episode of "casualty".

god that was a scary show as a child.
one of the scariest.
the opening music.
"nee naw nee naw nee naw nee naw
DUM DUM DUM DUM!!!!"
so scary.
if it tought me one thing it was this,
DO NOT go to under ground raves and take drink and drugs because if you do,you can guarantee...
A RAFTER WILL FALL ON YOU!!!!
fact.


any ways THE POUND IS WEAK and we only have our selves to blame.
yes that right.
and you know what.
ITS OUR OWN FAULT!
its nothing to do with a recession you bloody fools.
its all down to a careless saying...
"look after the pennies...and the pounds will look after them selves"
im sure you all remember branding that round willy nilly?
well look what you've done.
THE POUND HAS TIRED ITS SELF OUT TRYING TO DEFENDING ITS SELF!!!
Im not suprised its weak.
it must be knackered the poor little circular bastard!
(wierd "poor" money i'm sure there is something in that)
you dont hear of the penny being weak do you?
no sir.
we've been predjudice.
money-ists!

how could we expect it to keep it up?
constantly being beat down.
who knows.
maybe rogue pennys were even ganging up on them?
"OH COME ON LADS ITS A HUNDERED TO ONE"?
thats fair game in our eyes sunshine!
"ARGH NO FAIR YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD".
right flip him over!
ARGHH ME TAIL!!

actually.
i wonder what the queen thinks of that photo of her on cash?
i wonder when they took that photo if she knew what she was getting her self in for?


"EUURGH CHRIST... i hate my profile...i look terrible...what's this pic for by the way"?
oh nowt....dont worry...i doubt anyone will see it.
"splendid...TALLY HO!!!"

I know from the old modelling days,
some days you turn up.,
do the shoot and before you know what its for
your off to the next job!
you'd have to call your booker to check.
"sorry sarah its rich,just wondering, what was that shoot i just did with that man for"?
which one?
"the one in my pants"
errmm...it is...the cover of "BOYZ" magazine!
"great"


infact what is her job?
the queen.
just goes to the cinema alot doesnt she.
shes a professional hand shaker and waver??
im surprised she doesnt have one big hand from over using it.

she should technically look like one of them giant foam handed lunatics off "gladiators".
id love to see her in the crowd.
"BOOOO..WOLF YOU SHIT HEAD...BOOOOO!!!"
"SARACEN....SARACEN ..SARACEN...COME OOONN,
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!
"no m'lady it doesnt work like that anymore."
oh jesus....i mean,..ON WITH HIS HEAD,...YES STAY ON WITH HIS HEAD...DONT LET IT ACCIDENTALLY FALL OFF EITHER!
thats better.
"OR IL HAVE YOUR HEAD CUT OFF!!!!
no youve done it again
"shit sorry paul"!
(burrell)

i wonder what her fave would be?
probably the joust?
takes her back to her medievil roots.!!!

imagine if instead of winning brand new "vauxhall corsa".
the loser had to DIE!!

it would give them that extra insentive for the "travellator"!

that mad panic .
"OH MY GOD..I M GOING TO DIE...OH MY GOD IVE SLIPPED AND GOING BACK DOWN...
OH NO HES TAKEN OVER ME"!!!
imagine smashing through that giant paper "G" to your imminnent survival!

That sweaty up beat interview with Ulrika Johnson
while in the back ground the other demoralised lycra clad sod,
is being led off the crash matt weeping so John Fashanu can lop off his bonce!!!

sorry im getting carried away.
that would never happen!!!
theyd get Wolf to do it.


so anyways im not sure why i did this blog.
its not even very long.
nor is there any point to it.

actually il make one.
know this money does'nt matter.
its irrelevent.
we made it up.
it says nothing about you
and happiness comes from with in.
perfect.

Actually while im on about being broke.
and english.
and in new york.

STINGS  SONG "AN ENGLISH MAN IN NEW YORK".
there sommat wrong with that mans head!

"i dont like coffee i drink tea my dear"
fine.
"i like my toast done on one siiiide"
YOUR TOASTERS F£$%KING BROKEN MATE.
GET A NEW ONE YOU IDIOT!
you HAVE got enough money!
You could even afford a "breville" one,you schizophrenic toast lover!
you've lost the plot.
singing about ALIENS and TOAST and PROSTITUTES.
who do you think you are?
freddy prince jnr!!!

INFACT stop having ago aliens.
they dont have a go at you for being geordie!
how do you know if they are illegal.
they may be law abiding aliens?

ALTHOUGH YOU DO GET "DODGY" ALIENS.
those ones in the 90s!!!
remember them???
they were naughty.
giving it all that
"TAKE ME TO YOUR DEALER!"  chat.
well thats the Hascienda for ya!
must have messed with there heads.

anyways thats it ive totally lost it again.

bye!

xx

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

"A CHANCE ENCOUNTER ON A BRIDGE,AND NOW THIS!its not my fault"

its sunnier today.
sunny.
BUT STILL FREEZING!
This fact is important because,
i just  did the hour long walk i do every morning into manhattan.
"why is it nice richard"?
not really no.
i basically did it to avoid paying the £1.50 train fare!

i like the l.A tube sytstem.
sure its unreliable,
but they work on a "trust" and "honour" scheme with no turn styles to speak of.
which for an untrustwothy dishonourable guy like me is just AMAZING!

scrubbers around the world.
i command you come to hollywood in your thousands.
i promise you will save absolutely 100s of pence a day!

anyways i was walking over the bridge
very high winds!
mental!
well when i say high.
i mean not that high at all.
well my height to be prescise.
exactly my height actually.
all around me.
so quite low to be honest.
infact im sure there were even some going on under the bridge beneath me?
well lets just say it was very windy!

it must have been looking for chicago but got lost?
it should get google maps.
its the 21st century
come on nature.
catch up with technology!

where was i?

so anyways yeah it was fuckin freezing ,and any way a super "G" walked passed me!
a "gangster"!
a "ghetto boy"!
a "bad ass mutha"
any ways as he got closer i noticed he had his trouser leg rolled up.
and i didnt want to stare as these guys can pop a cap in you with out thinking twice!
thats "in you" not "on you"
(they dont beat the shit out of you by giving away free head wear)

"what you looking at fool"?
nothing.
"GOD DAMMIT YOU WANT ME TO POP A BERET ON YOUR HEAD MUTHA FUCKA"
no please..
"IM A DO IT!"
go on then....tell my mum ...i died with dignity"
"what"?
just say it was a top hat or something.

where was i?

yeah so as he walked past me i glanced at him.
but subtly.
in that way that you do when you are on holiday on your sun lounger as a child and a woman is sat with a tit out,
and you look forward and also left at the same time!
sort of force your self to get a lazy eye.

GOD it must have been heaven for Forest Whitaker going on holiday to the south of france as a nipper.
pervy little midget Idi Amin gettin a goggle at your babs!

ANYWAYS  yeah as i did this and he got close i noticed that all the hairs on his leg were stood on end,
and his teeth were clenched shut!
THE BOZO WAS FREEZING HIS ASS OFF!
it was a classic case of when my mum would say
"pop a jacket on its cold out"
and i would say...
"SHUT UP MUM YOU IDIOT ITS BOILING LOOK OUTSIDE"
"no but its deciving"
"LOOK MUM...I AM a 12 year old MAN!...i think i know the world and my own body better than you!
"ok."

then with in 5 mins of stepping out of the car in town id think,
"fuck me...the bitch was right...i'm fucking freezing."
are you cold richard?
NO...i was actually just thinking how warm it is...and that i wish id worn shorts.
"your arms are blue"
yeah...so..i like it....RIGHT im going to stand in dixions and piss around with those new c.d players and see which is the smoothest ejection!

any ways yeah,
it was like this guy was going through the same ordeal.
but bizzarely WITH HIS OWN LEG??
it was mental.
"please let me wear you down?"
NOPE I WANNA BE WORN UP TODAY!
"please its cold out "
NOPE!
"but im a hardened gangster....im already wearing baby blue trackie bottoms".
look wear me up or we are'nt going out...i need to work on my tan!
"please its freezing outside let me roll you down?"
NO WAY HOSE!
"alright."
fuck i'm cold!
"look this ginger boy is staring at us!please let me wear you down and il buy you that shin pad you wanted?
ok.

like an unruly shin!
a maverick leg.

actually while talking of shins WHY THE HELL IS THERE A LIFT COMPANY CALLED
"SCHINDLERS LIFTS"????
did he not see that?
i half expect gas to start seeping in when the doors close.
even if my name was "schindler" no matter how proud of my design,
i would have been the bigger man and just used another name!
its wierd isnt it ,people say "it takes a bigger man to walk away"?
well i must be massive coz i normally walk away well fast.
its technically sprinting!

my dad used to live by this moto.
ESPESCIALLY WHEN IT CAME TO GETTING MY MUM PREGNANT!
haha.
which is why im in America here actually.
but i will talk about that next time.

But yeah schindlers lifts!
just give it a different name.
one that conjures up a different more pleasant image .
"trustworthy lift corporation" or summat like that.
cheap but efficient.
"our prices will plummet...BUT OUR LIFTS WONT!"
thats better.
they can have that if they pay me.

And speaking of names i have figured some thing out...
LEONARDO IS THE COOLEST NAME YOU CAN GIVE A MAN....OFFICIALLY!
IT IS...
A GENIUS PAINTER.
AN INTELLECTUAL TURTLE.
A BEAUTIFUL OSCAR NOMINATED ACTOR.
AND A LION!

no contest.
(apart from possibly "Toby")

i mean come on if you give your kid a cool name  its gonna be famous isnt it?
they arnt gonna get a job in a call centre.
it would never work!

"Hello welcome to Argos this is "Leonardo Wilhelm Dicaprio" speaking how can i help?

so give your sona cool name and make his life easier on the poor badger.
some suggestions.
"nick gilette"
"kurt faberge"
"dude megasnake"
(just make sure hes not a saddo first)
ask him some questions when he pops out the womb.
whats his favourite film.
what kind of music he listens to etc
if he says "operation dumbo drop starring danny glover" and "the light house family"
its probably best you pop him back inside
or just give him away
or run really quick like my dad did.
remember IT TAKES A BIGGER MAN TO WALK AWAY!!!!!!

apparently.


x

P.S QUICK QUESTION

The name "Adolf "sort of died out didnt it?
after the old holocaust.
is it illegal to name your son Adolf?
bit controversial but is it legal?
"Adolf christ"?
or jesus hitler?
must be wrong.

oh yeah another thought just popped i my head.

do you reckon during the holocaust ,horrible and terrible and despicable as it was,
(i'm serious now)
that people would ever go to sleep on a night and have night mare and wake up in mad panic,
and go
"JESUS"
what ,whats up?
"that was the worst thing ever...i was being chase by a were wolf in a go kart"!
oh no..dont worry it was just a dream.
"phew"
nope your back in Aushiwitz now
"thank god for that."

Sorry my brains going off completely now.
none of this is my fault.
you cant blame my brain for having these thoughts
they are just questions.
its not your fault what your brain thinks or feels is it.

Im sorry.
but its just things that "pop in there"
like Ray Stance in ghost busters.
It happened to him and he was activley trying to think of nothing!
Even DAN ACKROYD WITH ALL HIS SKILL AS AN ACTOR AND GHOSTBUSTER
STILL could not help but think of a giant bloke made of marsh mallow.
i don't stand a chance.
(Who came first the stay puff dude,or the michelin man?)
(some ones definatley copied someone elses style there)

so yeah don't have ago at me,

just know that all this comes from a beautiful place.
and i love you all

xxx

Monday, February 21, 2011

"THE ACCIDENTAL JEW"and how to love each other.

"THE ACCIDENTAL JEW"

well its snowing again.
fuckin yey!
mother nature.
STUPID WHORE!
ive a good mind to start wearing  more deodorant.
or aim it into the sky and let a few blasts of let here feel my wrath!

she can suck my fat one!
(thats if she hadnt made it shrivel up to the size of a toddlers)
actually do you reckon peados ever shave of there pubes.
take loads of pills.
then get aroused by their own tiny genitalia?????

it would be annoying coz it would grow if you did?
thus cancelling out the arousal/bone-age?
but then it would go small again.
and then youd be off again????

"grounhog boner"
new bill murray film?
maybe not.
god id have barry norman spinning in his grave.
if he was dead.
is he?
i dunno.
or care.

ANYWAYS yeah!!!
"the accidental jew"
well because of this bastard weather i was forced to by some cheap sensible shoes
the kind my mum would try make me wear as a kid and id cry and demand some Reebock pumps!
in the end wed settle on some "L.A  regulators".
mums.
you gotta meet theses lousy babes half way some times.
what with them paying for everything and taking care of you and all that.

any ways the shoes look gimpish.
no 2 ways about it.
shiny.
back.
sensible!!!!!!!
apparently like a hasidic jews?
(lauren told me this)
"hasidic" sounds like they are volitile.
but it is a jewish word or something.
probably means "ace".

any ways because of this bastard weather i was also forced to wear my black small beanie.
and anyways my hair is curly and 2 bits had dangled out the side of their own accord.
one down each side of my face.
i didnt sleep to well last night and i have some quite dark bags under my eyes.
and for a reason i dont know why i chose to wear some actuall smart black trousers today!
MAYBE IT WAS JUST DESTINY!!!

Anyways i was looking for a free library to use the free wifi option with out having to pay the price of a coffee.
BUT THE BASTARDS AR ALL SHUT COZ ITS PRESIDENTS DAY OR SUMMAT!
do we get prime minister day?
we fuckin should do if they get this shit.
who is priminister now?
actually who gives a div.
dont answer that.

but we should do!
i mean we get st georges day and what was he?
 A FRIGGIN ANIMAL KILLER!.
he should have been reported to the r.s.p.c.a!!!
not been given a knight hood!!!!

they need to be saved for real heros!!!
like elton john.
and sir Ian mclellen!

i cant belive they get them!!!

there are a lot of gay nights about nowadays arnt there???

what if that dragons viscious severly peeved off cousin comes back wanting revenge as they always do!
(you cant solve a problem by killing things.they should have resolved it and sorted something out)
or at least got a fire extingisher or something!


ANYWAYS YEAH if his cousin come back or what ever who we gonna send in?
"right that dragons back"
really?
"yeah he looks a bit livid"
ok well no probs we prepared for this just round up the knights if the realm that are availabele
and have his head off"
"who we got"?
errm...sir elton john.
"hmmm...right...any more?"
ian mclellan?
"AHA...gandalf???"
yeah.
"right he could be an option?"
il pop him on the list
"WHAT!!
YOU CANT PUT HIM ON THE SEX OFFENDERS REGISTER JUST FOR BEING GAY"!
no no i mean the dragon slayers list.
"oh.ok good."

"gay knights"
sounds like a film to me!!!!
but then what doesnt.

anyways ive gone off the point again.

YEAH SO while i was looking for this library
i was asking for directions and i realised that id stumbled into a massive jewish area.
the curly sidys.
the long coats.
the little coasters on the heads.
EVERYTHING!

and me in my new get up.
i felt like id stumbled into compton avenue L.A,
and accidentally left my brand new RED marks and spencers red paisely hankie hanging out my back pocket!
(i was actually paranoid while in l.a i would do this
even though i never owned a hankie
im not that type of guy
way to cool.
if i was to get a runny nose.
which i dont.
i would more than likely just blow it dead hard like them cool footballers do.
or scrubbers.

ANYWAYS and a van pulled up.
(an old renault espace)
and 5 of them got out.
jewish fellas.
and i asked for directions to the nearest library.

and hey.
maybe it was me.
but they were so friendly,im sure they saw me as one of their own!!
one of them cosily put his arm round me and spun me in the right direction.
IT WAS QUITE ROMANTIC!
it was like in one of those romantic novels where time slows down and we have a moment that changes our lives.
sort of.

anyways  IM SURE THEY SAW ME AND WELCOMED ME AS ONE OF THEIR OWN???
I swear.
the look in their eyes.
normally i just assume that they had fancied me.
but not these religous suckers.
no way!
well maybe a bit.
(it is me...."fit rich")
joke.

but i suddenly realised why they did it.
ITS NICE TO BE PART OF SOMETHING ISNT IT?

if they had have said
"hey are you a jew?"
id have have been tempted to say
"yeah totally!!bang into it....steven spielberg....and all that"!!!
oh really authodox?
"no...not totally...i mean...im jew...ISH"!

(clever that wasnt it)!!
ive just made my own day there)
its ace making your own day.
"im good me arnt i"
what a lovely feeling.
wish i had it more.

i wish we all did!

CHRIST SEE IVE DONE IT AGAIN!!!
where was i.
in fact where am i now??
ah yes im sat in a cafe in the round the corner from where all this just took place.
thawing out with a coffee.
2.50 dollars that i wouldnt have had to spend had it not have been presidents day.
(thank you mr bush)
cant wait til we get a new president)
 A BLACK ONE!!!
nah.
thats ludicrous.
maybe one day.
AND EQUAL RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE.....AND I MEAN THAT!!

so yeah im in the cafe in the jewish area of williamsburg.
writing about it.

(SHIT ...NOTE TO SELF....DO NOT....I REPEAT DO NOT ASK "WHAT TIME IS THE BUS....."DUE"!)
it could lead to an unwanted altercation.

FUUUCK IVE DOENIT AGAIN!
wait no i havnt.
im where i should be in this .
yes.
perfect.

yeah so WE ALL LOVE BEING PART OF A GANG!
army.
navy.
(we need to abolish these)
fashionistas.
religions.
(these will go in the future when we are all properly educated and equal)
clubbers.
ravers.

i remember the total sense of belonging i got from going to "speed queen" EVERY saturday night.
dressed like some sort of 17 year old homosexual jive turkey and bonding with my fellow man.
AND WOMEN!!!
i know what you were thinking.
you total sex perverts!

ACTUALLY while im at it can i just say this.
CLUBBING IS MAD INNIT!!!!!

i dont mean that in the way that scrubber mums from from council  estates say it
"IM DEAD MAD ME"!!

but think about it.
break it down.
a perfect night out
go to a room.
listen to a sound.
wriggle your body round in a wierd motion.
stick your hand in the air and wave it round a bit.
and if your REALLY lucky.
go over to another human being
put your tongue in their mouth.
and then WRIGGLE IT A ROUND ABIT!
then go home!!!!!

3 days later.
(ro hahahaha)

so yeah any ways gangs.
its a sense of belonging
even being bag head.
at least you are part of something!

i mean if you have to get into a gang
may i suggest another one.
a safer one.
no offence to smack heads its a disease and you have my love and support.
but if it comes down to a warriors style battle.
IM taking my chances with "the brownies"!

which ironically you could confuse with your gang all to easily!!!!!
(another note to self DO NOT .i repeat DO NOT accidentally send your future daughter to a group of smack heads.
check first.
if there is a needle sticking out of the leaders arm THAT IS NOT "AKELA")

infact i want to say now to everyone.
LEAVE HEROIN ALONE!
no matter how bored with life you are.
if you feel you need a hobby.
take up badminton!!!
its a lot safer.

i never heard of anyone pimping out their children for shuttle cocks!

any ways i have to stop now.

ive lost my point!

YES gangs make us feel wanted.
but we are all part of the biggest and best gang in the world
THE HUMAN RACE!

so lets stop with the separation.
stop slaying each other.
(LIKE DRAGONS)

and JUST give each other a cuddle.
a sexy one!

x

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

"ME AND HOW HOLLYWOOD MADE MY BRAIN BREAK"

ok so this is it im becoming a writer!
think steven king...but a bit shit.
ACTUALLY  wierdly what i just said above sets this up perfectly!
see ive already started on "films".
OR HAVE I????
no i havnt.
thats the point!!!!
see...hes an author.
and writes books.
well he's an author coz he writes books.
its a bit of a bi product to be honest.
infact its very difficult indeed to be an author with out writing any books?
i think there should have been some different punctuation there.

what was i saying again?
AHA YEAH THE POINT IS i ONLY assosciate him with things made into films and shows!!!
this sets the scene well for what im about to bang on about.

first of all there will be mistakes in this.
lots.
and do you know what?...im leaving them in!!
yeah .
thats right.
its my style.
what you saying im lazy?
no way.
screw you dillweed!
just coz you dont undertsand it and some words may not look right as long as you can grasp it...who gives a twat.
this is my style.
im an "ABSTRACT WRITER"!
what you saying picasso was "lazy" coz he didnt do stuff what looked right and that.
piss off knob head.
just coz it was a bit blocky.
that was his style.
why should he try keep in the lines if doesnt want to.
IMAGINE IF HIS MUM HAD TOTALLY BOLLOCKED HIM TO STAY IN THE LINES,..WE WOULD NEVER HAVE WHAT WE HAVE.
it may have been smashed out of him!!


if picasso wants to make people looks like rectangular idiots...let him.
he did alright for himself!

if we're gonna have a go at people for looking to angular why dont you go slag of Dolph Lundrgen or Casper Van Dien?
what... cant be bothered?
didnt think so.
fanny.


same with jackson Pollock!
imagine if his daft shit mum had said,
"what a mess you little div...who slashed all this friggin paint everywhere...clean that up now and get to bed...AND NO ORIOS"!
gave him a right "pollocking".
clever that wasnt it.(see witty pun above)

what im saying is dont slag people of for being who they are and doin what they do.
its not there fault.
no good or evil.
or right or wrong.
we are just aload of atoms.
lets just be "happy atoms"

i used to be so confused,at school they would say"sit down and be quiet richard learn harder put more effort in"
i was.
i was putting a lot of effort in actually.
to hoaning my craft.
entertaining/being a twit.
it always baffled me.
really baffled me.
espescially when i would have the whole class smiling and laughing.
The most positive form of energy you can imagine no one upset or depressed for that hour/lesson
(apart from the one i was picking on at the time)
joke.
it made no sense.
every one smiling and laughing and beaming and the teacher saying "NO...BAD"
bad?
how could making people this happy be bad?????
how could i be a bad person  for it?
everyone pays to get this feeling in various forms...and im here dishing it out for free...IVE A GOOD MIND TO CHARGE YOU SONS OF GIMPS!!!

ME coming in here dishing out free happiness after sluggin my guts out on my milk round from 5.30 am in the freezing cold
my only solice coming into make some marmite on toast and have a silent wank over "an american were wolf in london"
or rik mayalls"bottom".(the one with the dating service)
Trying my damned hardest not to make a noise pissing around with the V.H.S incase my mum heres it rewinding for the 8th time in a row.
or worse GETTING IT STUCK!
never mind having to smuggle it back up stairs as she comes down for her breakfast...
"richard'?
"yes'.
"whats up with your calf?"
nothing why?
"its shaped like a rectangle?"
errmm.. OH FOR GODS SAKES I DONT HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT... IVE GOT TO GET TO SCHOOL ,YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE LEARNING....WHOOOORE"!
OH YEAH AND WHILE IM AT IT WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE"CHOCO POPS"...I SAID "COCO POPS"...THESE ARE ARE MORRISONS OWN BRAND YOU SCRUBBER!
(sorry mum)

kids have it so easy now with nice silent internet working its pervy magic.
no modems or video tapes for these lovable little shits.
just instant porn and cartoons in abundance.
great being a kid.
dont get bollocked as much for being childish.
although ironically i did...alot?

that dont make sense either?
"richard you are 12 years old..stop being so childish"!
i may have well retorted..
"grow up miss you elderly dick."

ANYWAYS I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD GO IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS.
thats my style.

YEAH SO thats the beauty of it "ART".
you just get it or you dont.
but dont slag shit off coz you dont get it.
i CANT meditate!
but some people can.
i cant.
right there is a point to that last comment somewhere.
il figure it out later.


so yeah "HOLLYWOOD BROKE MY BRAIN"
whats that all about? i hear you ask.

i recently came to amaerica and it made me realise how much films had warped my perseption of reality.
everything i see can be traced back to a film...all my references through life are of films
ITS BEEN MADE VERY CLEAR WHEN COMIN TO THE COUNTRY WHERE THEY MAKE THE BASTARDS.
for instance,

when i get on a bus here i dont think "well this is a pleasant mode of transport"
i think,
"i need every body to stay calm....THERE IS A BOMB ON THE BUS"

and every time i see a mail van i dont think
 "hey up....nice bit of mail being delivered there"
i think,
 "EVERY BODY GET THE F*&K DOWN THIS IS A HEIST "
(this makes my life tricky as the postal service is quite a big industry and i see mail vans on every corner)
i just pictured postman pat in a balaclava...and jess with a mini one...possibly just a "totes"toasties sock with 2 eye holes cut out.


Whilst on the west coast,I was lucky enough to be taken on a  beautiful hike up in the loz feliz hills in silverlake los angeles.
and as we approached the top of the mountain my guide james gazed out and said pensively,
"look at that view,stunning.Im so lucky.I wake up to this every morning.you can see all of Los Angeles from here...right to the ocean."
and i went,
"yeah....IS THAT THE SHOT OF THE BEGINNING OF THE A TEAM WHEN THE MACHINE GUN SOUND AND THE THEME TUNE KICKS IN?
"possibly richard.possibly"
he said.

but this kind of thing happens every second of my life!

as we sauntered back down the hill through the beautiful 1930s houses and mansions.
We saw a beautiful oak tree its aged but thick titanic limbs reached up towards the sun winding out over the road.
they commented on its history and what amazing things it must have witnessed and the things it will enevitably go on to witness in its life time long long after we have perished.
and my brain just went...
"THATS LIKE THE ONE GEORGE MCFLY FALLS OUT OF WHILE PERVING ON LORRAINE BAINES THROUGH A PAIR OF BINOCULARS IN BACK TO THE FUTURE"
"oh my god...."HES A PEEPING TOM"

just before being shoved out of the way of a speeding car by the son he hasnt yet had!

and when they commeneted on how thick and beautiful the texture of its trunk and roots i was thinking
"looks like that diplodocus in jurassic park."


again while i was there someone asked me if i was into basketball.
i said "not really i used to be"
"oh really who was your favourite player" he asked
i honestly nearly answered "WESLEY SNIPES"!
coz see i was never even really into basketball....what i was into was"white men cant jump"
infact its bloody a good job he didnt ask me my top 3 because after snipes and Harellson...id have been Fucked!
(actually no there was that tall skinny bloke raymond who stood out)
"NAH NAH NAH FUCK THIS...SEE i TELL YOU WHAT IM'A DO.... IM'A GO GET ME MY GUN...SHOOT ALL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS"!
"raymond...is that you raymond"
"NAH NAH THIS THIS AINT RAYMOND"
"take that damn thing of your head"
shit.

and in my mind i was into martial arts for a while
BUT NO I WASNT ...i was into "karate kid".
i dont know about any famous karate bastards.
i only did it to get the kit so i could do it infront of my babysitter in an attempt to woo her.
(i used to make her hold up a turquoise moonwalker jumper with michael jacksons face on it and let rip on the sucker.
kiddie fiddler or not ...this talented/troubled pop king was getting a weak round house...WEATHER HE LIKED IT OR NOT!

infact the only other person i know who even did karate besides Ralph Macchio and was my teacher/sensi of 2 weeks "mrs kiddle"!
who i only remembered because her hair was like phillip from "guess who".
and she randomly appeared on"N TV"on "noels house party" one saturday night.
ironically at the same time as i was pissing around using the"skills" i had learned to batter a sweater to impress a teenager.
my cover was nearly blown!
although on reflection im sure she could tell i wasnt a black belt.
you can generally tell when somethings been coloured in with a crayon.


but any ways the film thing is getting out of control.
the other day i had a walkers crisp that reminded me of jaws!!
and it made me beg the question.
WHEN WILL THIS END?????????????????

never i hope. x