well its raining again!
dont worry folks.
im battling through it!
my moto is"i can give as good as i get!!!
(apart from at christmas when i temporarily waver my moto in my favour)
(you dont wanna come off worse off at chrimbo)
it would'nt be right.
SO i,m still broke.
and my bank card is snapped!
when i went to the woman in the bank to explain that" i sat on it and it snapped"
She just look at my arse in disbelief.
there was no denying it.
she was a "big momma'!
like the one Martin Lawrence played in that film.
in a house.
They have some SERIOUSLY BIG "bootys" over here.
gravity defying ones.
ones that sort of go upward!
like anti gravity buttocks.
buttocks that have never read about Issac Newton.
and don't care for his laws one bit!
in fact if id tried to explain his theory and how it came about shed probably say
"what's an apple?"
i dont think she was familiar with fruit.
at least the concept of eating it.
so im sat here.
in this cheap cafe
surrounded by my curly haired bretherin.
in my religious but sensible footwear.
AND RATHER IRONICALLY
with a mouth full of tropical flavour "orbit" gum.
and i may as well let you know.
I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO DAY!
i just sat here looked around and started typing this.
so dont expect anyting.
THATS VERY IMPORTANT!
coz if you expect nothing.
you cant be dissapointed.
or can you?
actually YES you can.
i suppose if you went for an A.I.D.S test and expected nothing.
and then got some thing
youd be a little bit peeved off.
that whole positive negative thing is a ball ache isnt it.
they need a new system.
"hello mr mercury we got your results back."
WOO HOO GET ME THE COCAINE AND MIDGETS NOW!!!!
"you have aids."
how has this happened?
"well have you been having any unprotected sex?"
NO...NO WAY...NEVER...ive been "living on my own"
"how do you mean"
well bits n bats.
no its a saying!
"OH sorry,its just i know you gays are a bit wild and its the 80s and all."
GAY!!!how dare you assume im GAY!
HAND ME MY FEATHER BOWER AT ONCE...come on elton we are leaving...."BITCH"!!!
sorry where was i ??
yes thats it expect NOTHING from me.
because if you do.
you are bound to get dissapointed.
i just dont think i can can keep this up.
i suppose thats why so many marriages end in divorce.
when you love some one it must be hard.
because you meet on a high.
and think THIS IS AMAZING...THIS WILL BE FOREVER!
but it cant.
so you are both let down.
again because of "EXPECTATIONS".
(i love it when that happens...accidental tie ins)
IVE JUST HAD A GENIUS IDEA!!!
here me the frick out...
HOLD ONTO YOUR MOTHER F&%^$CKIN HATS BABES!
ive just had revolutionary new idea for the perfect relationship.
fuck newtons theory of gravity.
check out richs "theory of marriage-tivity"!
"what rich marry someone you love?"
MARRY SOMEONE YOU FUCKING HATE!!!!!!!!!
THATS THE KEY!
Then it can only get better?
you can never hate them any more than you did.
so you will just end up finding stuff that you like about them.
you would be forced to.
things can only get better type of thing?
"D.ream" knew what he was son about.
"what are you on about rich you effing penis"
bare with me here suck pigs!
think about it!
think of the worst person you can.
some one who raped your mum?
or say Hitler?
or bin laden!
if you start with someone you cant even stand to look at.
it cant get any worse can it?
and if you are forced to stay together.
YOU ARE BOUND TO START TO FIND THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT THEM!
even just to selfishly make your own life better.
"I HATE YOU...MARRY ME!
what a great line.
bin laden for example.
you would eventually think oh well.
"that twin towers thing was bang out of order"
but on the plus side.
"you have got quite a nice beard."
"sorry bin what....yeah i do like the Simpsons...what...WIERD THATS MY FAVOURITE EPISODE TOO"!
"you've actually got an ok sense of humour actually Binners!"
when i can understand you.
and this cave is pretty snazzy.
"you look a bit like ali baba actually...do you know the forty thieves?"
"OH MY GOD YOU HAVNT SEEN "DISNEYS ALLADDIN?"
YOU WILL LOVE IT!
ITS RIGHT UP YOUR STREET!
im gonna pop it on.
what a lovely thought.
im pretty sure you could find something you like in anyone.
you'd be surprised.
talking of surprises.
you know that the statue of liberty.
THAT WAS A SON OF A B£%TCH GIFT!!!!!!!!
they cant have seen that coming.
that must have been a SURPRISE.
or least EXPECTED thing ever.
seeing as this has become about expectations.
where am i?
must have been a bit awkward .
for who ever was in charge then.
George bush minus the 3rd.
or that one with the hat and beard out of bill and ted.
"ahha helo mesour a gift"
where is it?
"iz out ere"
JESUS MAN...bit big innit...what is it?
"zee statue of liberty"
oh right....and what does it do ?
what it just stands there looking like a statue that looks like the statue of liberty?
right and it definately does'nt move.
not even if Bill murray and a few mates were to smear it in pink pscho active slime and play it some" jackie wilson"?
"well yes... maybe zen."
if im totally honest.
and maybe im wrong.
but i dont think they wanted it!
i think they were secretly annoyed.
I know for a FACT David Copperfield...
(Claudia schiffer shagger and part time magician)
.. tried to get rid of it in the 80s.
but he only manged it for a bit.
then it came back.
RIGHT IM TALKING BOLLOCKS AGAIN!
so to summarise dont expect anything from any one.
EXPECT EVERYTHING FROM EVERYONE!!!!
COZ WE ALL DESERVE IT!