"THE ACCIDENTAL JEW"
well its snowing again.
fuckin yey!
mother nature.
STUPID WHORE!
ive a good mind to start wearing more deodorant.
or aim it into the sky and let a few blasts of let here feel my wrath!
she can suck my fat one!
(thats if she hadnt made it shrivel up to the size of a toddlers)
actually do you reckon peados ever shave of there pubes.
take loads of pills.
then get aroused by their own tiny genitalia?????
it would be annoying coz it would grow if you did?
thus cancelling out the arousal/bone-age?
but then it would go small again.
and then youd be off again????
"grounhog boner"
new bill murray film?
maybe not.
god id have barry norman spinning in his grave.
if he was dead.
is he?
i dunno.
or care.
ANYWAYS yeah!!!
"the accidental jew"
well because of this bastard weather i was forced to by some cheap sensible shoes
the kind my mum would try make me wear as a kid and id cry and demand some Reebock pumps!
in the end wed settle on some "L.A regulators".
mums.
you gotta meet theses lousy babes half way some times.
what with them paying for everything and taking care of you and all that.
any ways the shoes look gimpish.
no 2 ways about it.
shiny.
back.
sensible!!!!!!!
apparently like a hasidic jews?
(lauren told me this)
"hasidic" sounds like they are volitile.
but it is a jewish word or something.
probably means "ace".
any ways because of this bastard weather i was also forced to wear my black small beanie.
and anyways my hair is curly and 2 bits had dangled out the side of their own accord.
one down each side of my face.
i didnt sleep to well last night and i have some quite dark bags under my eyes.
and for a reason i dont know why i chose to wear some actuall smart black trousers today!
MAYBE IT WAS JUST DESTINY!!!
Anyways i was looking for a free library to use the free wifi option with out having to pay the price of a coffee.
BUT THE BASTARDS AR ALL SHUT COZ ITS PRESIDENTS DAY OR SUMMAT!
do we get prime minister day?
we fuckin should do if they get this shit.
who is priminister now?
actually who gives a div.
dont answer that.
but we should do!
i mean we get st georges day and what was he?
A FRIGGIN ANIMAL KILLER!.
he should have been reported to the r.s.p.c.a!!!
not been given a knight hood!!!!
they need to be saved for real heros!!!
like elton john.
and sir Ian mclellen!
i cant belive they get them!!!
there are a lot of gay nights about nowadays arnt there???
what if that dragons viscious severly peeved off cousin comes back wanting revenge as they always do!
(you cant solve a problem by killing things.they should have resolved it and sorted something out)
or at least got a fire extingisher or something!
ANYWAYS YEAH if his cousin come back or what ever who we gonna send in?
"right that dragons back"
really?
"yeah he looks a bit livid"
ok well no probs we prepared for this just round up the knights if the realm that are availabele
and have his head off"
"who we got"?
errm...sir elton john.
"hmmm...right...any more?"
ian mclellan?
"AHA...gandalf???"
yeah.
"right he could be an option?"
il pop him on the list
"WHAT!!
YOU CANT PUT HIM ON THE SEX OFFENDERS REGISTER JUST FOR BEING GAY"!
no no i mean the dragon slayers list.
"oh.ok good."
"gay knights"
sounds like a film to me!!!!
but then what doesnt.
anyways ive gone off the point again.
YEAH SO while i was looking for this library
i was asking for directions and i realised that id stumbled into a massive jewish area.
the curly sidys.
the long coats.
the little coasters on the heads.
EVERYTHING!
and me in my new get up.
i felt like id stumbled into compton avenue L.A,
and accidentally left my brand new RED marks and spencers red paisely hankie hanging out my back pocket!
(i was actually paranoid while in l.a i would do this
even though i never owned a hankie
im not that type of guy
way to cool.
if i was to get a runny nose.
which i dont.
i would more than likely just blow it dead hard like them cool footballers do.
or scrubbers.
ANYWAYS and a van pulled up.
(an old renault espace)
and 5 of them got out.
jewish fellas.
and i asked for directions to the nearest library.
and hey.
maybe it was me.
but they were so friendly,im sure they saw me as one of their own!!
one of them cosily put his arm round me and spun me in the right direction.
IT WAS QUITE ROMANTIC!
it was like in one of those romantic novels where time slows down and we have a moment that changes our lives.
sort of.
anyways IM SURE THEY SAW ME AND WELCOMED ME AS ONE OF THEIR OWN???
I swear.
the look in their eyes.
normally i just assume that they had fancied me.
but not these religous suckers.
no way!
well maybe a bit.
(it is me...."fit rich")
joke.
but i suddenly realised why they did it.
ITS NICE TO BE PART OF SOMETHING ISNT IT?
if they had have said
"hey are you a jew?"
id have have been tempted to say
"yeah totally!!bang into it....steven spielberg....and all that"!!!
oh really authodox?
"no...not totally...i mean...im jew...ISH"!
(clever that wasnt it)!!
ive just made my own day there)
its ace making your own day.
"im good me arnt i"
what a lovely feeling.
wish i had it more.
i wish we all did!
CHRIST SEE IVE DONE IT AGAIN!!!
where was i.
in fact where am i now??
ah yes im sat in a cafe in the round the corner from where all this just took place.
thawing out with a coffee.
2.50 dollars that i wouldnt have had to spend had it not have been presidents day.
(thank you mr bush)
cant wait til we get a new president)
A BLACK ONE!!!
nah.
thats ludicrous.
maybe one day.
AND EQUAL RIGHTS FOR EVERYONE.....AND I MEAN THAT!!
so yeah im in the cafe in the jewish area of williamsburg.
writing about it.
(SHIT ...NOTE TO SELF....DO NOT....I REPEAT DO NOT ASK "WHAT TIME IS THE BUS....."DUE"!)
it could lead to an unwanted altercation.
FUUUCK IVE DOENIT AGAIN!
wait no i havnt.
im where i should be in this .
yes.
perfect.
yeah so WE ALL LOVE BEING PART OF A GANG!
army.
navy.
(we need to abolish these)
fashionistas.
religions.
(these will go in the future when we are all properly educated and equal)
clubbers.
ravers.
i remember the total sense of belonging i got from going to "speed queen" EVERY saturday night.
dressed like some sort of 17 year old homosexual jive turkey and bonding with my fellow man.
AND WOMEN!!!
i know what you were thinking.
you total sex perverts!
ACTUALLY while im at it can i just say this.
CLUBBING IS MAD INNIT!!!!!
i dont mean that in the way that scrubber mums from from council estates say it
"IM DEAD MAD ME"!!
but think about it.
break it down.
a perfect night out
go to a room.
listen to a sound.
wriggle your body round in a wierd motion.
stick your hand in the air and wave it round a bit.
and if your REALLY lucky.
go over to another human being
put your tongue in their mouth.
and then WRIGGLE IT A ROUND ABIT!
then go home!!!!!
3 days later.
(ro hahahaha)
so yeah any ways gangs.
its a sense of belonging
even being bag head.
at least you are part of something!
i mean if you have to get into a gang
may i suggest another one.
a safer one.
no offence to smack heads its a disease and you have my love and support.
but if it comes down to a warriors style battle.
IM taking my chances with "the brownies"!
which ironically you could confuse with your gang all to easily!!!!!
(another note to self DO NOT .i repeat DO NOT accidentally send your future daughter to a group of smack heads.
check first.
if there is a needle sticking out of the leaders arm THAT IS NOT "AKELA")
infact i want to say now to everyone.
LEAVE HEROIN ALONE!
no matter how bored with life you are.
if you feel you need a hobby.
take up badminton!!!
its a lot safer.
i never heard of anyone pimping out their children for shuttle cocks!
any ways i have to stop now.
ive lost my point!
YES gangs make us feel wanted.
but we are all part of the biggest and best gang in the world
THE HUMAN RACE!
so lets stop with the separation.
stop slaying each other.
(LIKE DRAGONS)
and JUST give each other a cuddle.
a sexy one!
x
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