its sunnier today.
sunny.
BUT STILL FREEZING!
This fact is important because,
i just did the hour long walk i do every morning into manhattan.
"why is it nice richard"?
not really no.
i basically did it to avoid paying the £1.50 train fare!
i like the l.A tube sytstem.
sure its unreliable,
but they work on a "trust" and "honour" scheme with no turn styles to speak of.
which for an untrustwothy dishonourable guy like me is just AMAZING!
scrubbers around the world.
i command you come to hollywood in your thousands.
i promise you will save absolutely 100s of pence a day!
anyways i was walking over the bridge
very high winds!
mental!
well when i say high.
i mean not that high at all.
well my height to be prescise.
exactly my height actually.
all around me.
so quite low to be honest.
infact im sure there were even some going on under the bridge beneath me?
well lets just say it was very windy!
it must have been looking for chicago but got lost?
it should get google maps.
its the 21st century
come on nature.
catch up with technology!
where was i?
so anyways yeah it was fuckin freezing ,and any way a super "G" walked passed me!
a "gangster"!
a "ghetto boy"!
a "bad ass mutha"
any ways as he got closer i noticed he had his trouser leg rolled up.
and i didnt want to stare as these guys can pop a cap in you with out thinking twice!
thats "in you" not "on you"
(they dont beat the shit out of you by giving away free head wear)
"what you looking at fool"?
nothing.
"GOD DAMMIT YOU WANT ME TO POP A BERET ON YOUR HEAD MUTHA FUCKA"
no please..
"IM A DO IT!"
go on then....tell my mum ...i died with dignity"
"what"?
just say it was a top hat or something.
where was i?
yeah so as he walked past me i glanced at him.
but subtly.
in that way that you do when you are on holiday on your sun lounger as a child and a woman is sat with a tit out,
and you look forward and also left at the same time!
sort of force your self to get a lazy eye.
GOD it must have been heaven for Forest Whitaker going on holiday to the south of france as a nipper.
pervy little midget Idi Amin gettin a goggle at your babs!
ANYWAYS yeah as i did this and he got close i noticed that all the hairs on his leg were stood on end,
and his teeth were clenched shut!
THE BOZO WAS FREEZING HIS ASS OFF!
it was a classic case of when my mum would say
"pop a jacket on its cold out"
and i would say...
"SHUT UP MUM YOU IDIOT ITS BOILING LOOK OUTSIDE"
"no but its deciving"
"LOOK MUM...I AM a 12 year old MAN!...i think i know the world and my own body better than you!
"ok."
then with in 5 mins of stepping out of the car in town id think,
"fuck me...the bitch was right...i'm fucking freezing."
are you cold richard?
NO...i was actually just thinking how warm it is...and that i wish id worn shorts.
"your arms are blue"
yeah...so..i like it....RIGHT im going to stand in dixions and piss around with those new c.d players and see which is the smoothest ejection!
any ways yeah,
it was like this guy was going through the same ordeal.
but bizzarely WITH HIS OWN LEG??
it was mental.
"please let me wear you down?"
NOPE I WANNA BE WORN UP TODAY!
"please its cold out "
NOPE!
"but im a hardened gangster....im already wearing baby blue trackie bottoms".
look wear me up or we are'nt going out...i need to work on my tan!
"please its freezing outside let me roll you down?"
NO WAY HOSE!
"alright."
fuck i'm cold!
"look this ginger boy is staring at us!please let me wear you down and il buy you that shin pad you wanted?
ok.
like an unruly shin!
a maverick leg.
actually while talking of shins WHY THE HELL IS THERE A LIFT COMPANY CALLED
"SCHINDLERS LIFTS"????
did he not see that?
i half expect gas to start seeping in when the doors close.
even if my name was "schindler" no matter how proud of my design,
i would have been the bigger man and just used another name!
its wierd isnt it ,people say "it takes a bigger man to walk away"?
well i must be massive coz i normally walk away well fast.
its technically sprinting!
my dad used to live by this moto.
ESPESCIALLY WHEN IT CAME TO GETTING MY MUM PREGNANT!
haha.
which is why im in America here actually.
but i will talk about that next time.
But yeah schindlers lifts!
just give it a different name.
one that conjures up a different more pleasant image .
"trustworthy lift corporation" or summat like that.
cheap but efficient.
"our prices will plummet...BUT OUR LIFTS WONT!"
thats better.
they can have that if they pay me.
And speaking of names i have figured some thing out...
LEONARDO IS THE COOLEST NAME YOU CAN GIVE A MAN....OFFICIALLY!
IT IS...
A GENIUS PAINTER.
AN INTELLECTUAL TURTLE.
A BEAUTIFUL OSCAR NOMINATED ACTOR.
AND A LION!
no contest.
(apart from possibly "Toby")
i mean come on if you give your kid a cool name its gonna be famous isnt it?
they arnt gonna get a job in a call centre.
it would never work!
"Hello welcome to Argos this is "Leonardo Wilhelm Dicaprio" speaking how can i help?
so give your sona cool name and make his life easier on the poor badger.
some suggestions.
"nick gilette"
"kurt faberge"
"dude megasnake"
(just make sure hes not a saddo first)
ask him some questions when he pops out the womb.
whats his favourite film.
what kind of music he listens to etc
if he says "operation dumbo drop starring danny glover" and "the light house family"
its probably best you pop him back inside
or just give him away
or run really quick like my dad did.
remember IT TAKES A BIGGER MAN TO WALK AWAY!!!!!!
apparently.
x
P.S QUICK QUESTION
The name "Adolf "sort of died out didnt it?
after the old holocaust.
is it illegal to name your son Adolf?
bit controversial but is it legal?
"Adolf christ"?
or jesus hitler?
must be wrong.
oh yeah another thought just popped i my head.
do you reckon during the holocaust ,horrible and terrible and despicable as it was,
(i'm serious now)
that people would ever go to sleep on a night and have night mare and wake up in mad panic,
and go
"JESUS"
what ,whats up?
"that was the worst thing ever...i was being chase by a were wolf in a go kart"!
oh no..dont worry it was just a dream.
"phew"
nope your back in Aushiwitz now
"thank god for that."
Sorry my brains going off completely now.
none of this is my fault.
you cant blame my brain for having these thoughts
they are just questions.
its not your fault what your brain thinks or feels is it.
Im sorry.
but its just things that "pop in there"
like Ray Stance in ghost busters.
It happened to him and he was activley trying to think of nothing!
Even DAN ACKROYD WITH ALL HIS SKILL AS AN ACTOR AND GHOSTBUSTER
STILL could not help but think of a giant bloke made of marsh mallow.
i don't stand a chance.
(Who came first the stay puff dude,or the michelin man?)
(some ones definatley copied someone elses style there)
so yeah don't have ago at me,
just know that all this comes from a beautiful place.
and i love you all
xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment