"CHRISTIANS...LATER"!(christian slater)

so today is a beautiful day in new york city.
one of the best.
its warm.
the sun is shining
so i decided to spend it.
LOOKING THROUGH ARCHIVES OF DEAD PEOPLE WITH THE SAME NAME AS MY MISSING DAD!
oh yeah.
then a nice trip down to ground zero.

lovely.

which is wierd as shit when you think about it.
i spent all morning looking at people who don't exist.
and the  walked 45 minutes to see a building that wasn't there.
what a "non" day.
life is wierd some times.

so.
i walked through china town to get my 4 apples for a dollar.
(cheap)
they are a pleasant bunch.
(the chinese not the apples)
i can never imagine  being bullied by one.
cant imagine them pointing and laughing at you.
actually i wouldnt know if they were or not.
infact i wouldn't even know id  been started on till i was karate chopped in the face!

its wierd.
once i was walking.
late at night.
and saw a group of lads coming toward me
i don't mind admitting i shat it.
a bit.
but as they got closer my brain went
"oh phew...its just a group of chinese lads"
why did it do that?
if anything i should a have been more afraid.
what with them all being born black belts.

did anyone out there ever make it to black belt?
just wondered.

ALSO.
as i was walking through china town i saw a sign.
"sheep brains"
that mad innit?
dont get me wrong.
im firmly on the side of martin luther king.
"a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
but i think these guys have miss understood what he was banging on about.

but the wierdest thing was,
i tried taking a photo of the guy next to the sign.
but they wouldnt let me!
someone said its because they say the camera steals your soul or something.

i thought they invented the camera?
they make alot of them dont they?
"sony "and all that.

makes me feel massive walking round china town.
i must look mental.
like that bloke out of big fish with the lop sided face!

why when people get to big.
or to small.
do they always look mad?
it would be ace to just be perfect looking,
but 8 ft all.
or 1 ft tall.
it never happens tho.
you be like a god.

not that they exist.

YEAH!
not sure about this heaven and hell thing.
if it is true.
i wanna go to hell.
BETTER LIGHTING!
no offence to the interior designer of heaven.
but he over did the minimilist thing.
and its to bright.
like a H'n'M changing room.
or a airplane toilet.
shows all your pours up.
hells nice and dim,..
like a sexy night club.
also constant bbq on the go.
warmer presumably.

it would be mad though.
"hi mate what's your name?"
ermm hitler mate ...nice to meet you.
"hello its ni ....well hello."
your not jewish are you?
"me no...its just the shoes, and my hair curls up when it gets foisty"
ah
"so is this hell?"
yep.
"how can you tell?"
thats the devil over there.
"where"?
there...wearing prada.
"hey?"
over there...
"oh yeah...who's that with him?"
oh thats daniel johnston.
"who"?
just some talented nutter.
"ahh sweet"

dont think id be keen on the eternal torture aspect tho.
i grazed me knee once.
agony.

i mean i know it doesnt exist.
but then neither do the twin towers.
but i went there today??????

i should be safe.
but i have blasphemed quite a lot.
what is a swear word anyways????

i remember one bored summers day.
andy and i decided to see if we could invent a new swear word.
thr experiment was simple
he sits in his dads chair in his study.
and i keep slapping and punching him until
hopefully a new word or sound comes out involuntarilly.
i think this is quite a profound experiment.
testing if we just say words weve been trained to.
or if there are ACTUALL rude words that come out from deep within your subconscious.
an actuall swear word.
and guess what.
there was.
"SHIG DOG"!
dunno what it meant.
but it flowed out like blasphemic wine.
made from very rude grapes.

WIERD.
speaking of vino.
i wonder if jesus counted his blessings?
coz if he did.
he's a big head.
for keeping count.
and if not.
then he wasn't appreciating stuff proper?
poor bearded bastard was damned either way!

"jesus do you count your blessings"?
yes of course...every day.
"ooooooh get you!"
 EERM...I mean NO...NEVER....what is a blessing again,
i thought you said blessed....BRIAN BLESSED??????
"WHAT...did you count your "Blesseds"?
YES...and errm...it was one!
"Well obviously yeah".
Great...sorted then....MORE WINE JUDAS?

me and andy have spoken about this before but,
walking on water.
sounds great doesnt it?
NOT IF YOU WANNA GO SCUBA DIVING! IT DOESNT!!!
CRACK YOUR  SON OF A TWAT HEAD OPEN.
"ok jesus now just breath through this and on my count of three fall back over he edge ok...1...2....3.."
"BANG!"
gutted.

MAD.
sorry to break off but ive just been momentarily distracted by a HUGE advertisment for liam neesons new film.
"unknown""
The tag line is "TAKE BACK YOUR LIFE"
now i'm suer this is supposed to conjure up an image of liam saying...
"THATS IT...YOU FUCKED WITH THE WRONG BASTARD...NOW IM TAKING MY LIFE BACK YOU FRICKWADS"
but no.
my brain just pictured liam strolling up to the counter at argos goin...
"Hi sorry to trouble you...i bought this life a couple of weeks ago and its not exactly what i had in mind.
i'm not getting laid with it as much as id liked and ive had 2 ingrowing toe nails since i purchased it.
i was wondering .
is there any chance i could bring it back?"
NO.
"really...
...well can i exchange it"?
NO.
"right, credit notes?"
NO.you can only exchange it for something of equivelant value.
"right...
yeah thats the thing...
i dont really need a a bath matt a lilo or a calculator watch"?

OH MY GOD!!!!
ive just looked DIRECTLY beneath the advert of Neeson and there is a guy.
selling.
a gimp mask with a bong attached to it!
WHAT THE HELL!
he's waving it around smiling!
i don't think he knows what it is hes waving around?
jesus.
it looks so sinister.
But hes smiling to shit.
like a child running up to her parents with a dirty needle saying ,
"mummy look what ive found"
Put that down NOW!
naughty.

right im done.

i have a stand up gig tonight.
and Im going along with NO JOKES!
i am really scared.
petrified.

i need to do this.

trust my brain to come up with something amusing at will.

SO.
to summarise.
i love chinese people and mean no offence.
liam neeson has a new film out.
gimpy bong masks are available out side whole foods.
and religion is bullshit!

please pray for me tonight.
and god speed!

x

p.s if god does speed.
dont give him a ticket.
he may get angry.
then make loads of locusts/crickets come round your house.
and you know how noisy they are when you are trying to sleep!